The 5 Most Irritating People You'll Meet This Winter
As much as winter can suck, at least we're all in it together, right? Wrong. The response of your fellow humans to temperature extremes is a chilling reminder that some people are just the worst. These are the jerks who will be most effective at turning you into a cranky winter misanthrope:
The girl who looks amazing in subzero temperatures. Armed only with a thin pea coat and a stylishly draped scarf, this girl inspires envy in anyone who has ever considered just wrapping a robe belt around a down comforter and calling it a day. While you're laboring to walk beneath the weight of a snuggie sewed to a parka, this girl is dexterously operating her iPhone with gloveless fingers and tap-dancing in heels across the black ice that bruised half your body (the good half!) five minutes ago. She has a bright future in weather reporting, though she doesn't fully understand the concept of "weather."
The guy wearing cargo shorts in a blizzard. Though pea coat girl wouldn't be seen dead with this guy, they're spiritual cousins, equally impervious to wind, cold, or reason. Cargo shorts guy is most often seen sipping a 40-ounce bottle of Arizona Iced Tea as he ambles through a snowdrift, presumably on his way to fall asleep under a tree and dream of spring.
The winter sports weirdo. This person LOVES SNOW AND WANTS TO TALK ABOUT IT. Lucky, they are also highly recognizable from a distance of 1,000 paces, mainly because their exxxtreeme neon cold-weather gear makes them glow like the sun. It takes them 40 minutes and 20 pounds of rubberized spandex to get ready for a bike ride, and they think it's socially acceptable to put Chapstick on their entire face. This weirdo is most often found in the garage, adding snow treads to their rollerblades. Sometimes they're found in your garage, because they are your dad.
The seasonal depression warrior. Armed with vitamin C packets, a sun lamp, and a permanent tanning-bed tan, this person is determined to create a portable summer ecosystem to carry with them wherever they go. They refuse to look directly at your frosting-pale face, refer ominously and with increasing frequency to a place known only as "Margaritaville," and are constantly googling "cheap flights florida."
The cold-weather hobbit. It's unlikely you'll actually "meet" this person, as they refuse to leave their house for non-essential reasons between November and March. The CW hobbit can be identified by their likes (Netflix, leftover Christmas cookies, throw pillows) and their dislikes (drafts, long johns, the cold light of day), and by their tendency to develop scurvy sometime in mid-January. Exorcism of the CW hobbit is tricky but not impossible, and involves screaming "by the power of Katy Perry I compel you!" ten times while hitting them in the face with a beach ball.
Have you met any of these people? ARE you any of these people? We feel a strange kinship with the cold-weather hobbit.