This Week's Mashup: Spider-Man vs. Batman
Warning: We know both of the subjects in these debates have multiple comic book depictions in which they appear completely different at different points.We're basing our perceptions of Batman and Spider-Man on the most recent movie versions of each. We don't know about you, but that's enough emotional trauma and action for us. Crazywritergirl on Spider-Man:
Hey y’all! It’s crazywritergirl again and I have raided the local Redbox, rented the new Spider-Man movie, consumed copious amounts of popcorn soaked in butter and dumped with salt, and bawled my eyes out. Let me say it now, Sparklers…Marvel and everything about it can go and die a horrible death, along with the people who write the cliff-hanging, tear-jerking season finales for Supernatural and the creator of no-salt potato chips, because I HATE THEM ALL! *goes and sobs in a corner*
Buttseriouslyguise…that gosh darn movie had me in hysterical moments of laughter and tears. I loved it almost as much as I hated it, but I mostly loved it. Here’s why:
-I really loved how Peter was relatable. I mean, this kid was in high school (like me), he dealt with homework and love interests and after school activities (like me), and he was abandoned by his parents at a tender age and raised by his aunt and uncle and he can also skateboard (not like me).
-Can I add that Andrew Garfield is the hottest thing since the Sahara Desert? Because he is…
-I loved how the movie made me scared (people almost dying, destruction of bridges, lizard men, mice that mutated into Freddy the Freak of Nature) scary stuff man, scary stuff…
-The movie made me cry. Don’t get me wrong guys, I love an emotionally-barren action flick as much as the next American, but I also love to cry during movies. When Peter’s uncle got shot I was just awash in a sea of tears and popcorn kernels. When Peter listened to the voicemail at the end of the movie I think my soul evaporated. I was full of regrets and horror and sadness...with my whole family screaming at me to shut up (they couldn’t hear the dialogue over the sound of my racking sobs) Emotional trauma…it’s the best.
-Did I mention Andrew Garfield? Because he wore spandex and glasses and pretty hair and I think I just had a nerdgasm.
Metalhead865 on Batman
While CrazyWriterGirl rambles on about how attractive Andrew Garfield is, I hope you’ll allow for some actual reason to come into this debate. Namely, how attractive Christian Bale is.
Actually, I’m here to give you some reasons why Batman absolutely destroys Spider-Man. ( Note: I actually haven’t seen Rises yet, so I’m making some assumptions about that one that probably aren’t true. But still.)
-Bruce Wayne. Instead of being a totally awkward high schooler who uses his powers to first make himself popular and then take down totally impossible villains with totally impossible powers, Bruce Wayne is so much more awesome than that. His millionaire parents died when he was very young, but he swore to avenge his parents by fighting evil however he could. Besides being a totally BA crime-fighter, outside of the Batsuit he’s a rich guy, but not a jerk. Which is typically hard. (Iron Man, anyone?) And, both in and out of his suit he’s a pretty witty guy. (Who can forget the immortal “I’m not wearing hockey pants!”?)
-Batman’s villains are way more terrifying. Spider-Man has most famously faced off against, let’s see: a guy in a green suit, a guy with robotic arms, an alien…something that turned him sorta, kinda evil, and a giant lizard. Can I get a meh? Batman’s had to fight a guy who literally uses fear as a weapon, his old martial arts teacher Ra’s al Ghul, and Bane, the steroid-fueled terrorist. And we can’t forget the one part crazy, one part funny, and fifty-seven parts terrifying Joker, who goes as far as he can to hit Bruce where it hurts the most. “Do you wanna know how I got these scars?” No, and we really don’t want to, but you’re going to tell us anyway.
-Them gadgets. See, when one doesn’t have superpowers, one makes do. As our boy Bruce does. He’s able to build a pretty cool suit that’s both fashionable and functional. It can act as armor, parachute gear, or just a way to scare the living crap out of criminals. And it holds all kinds of neat stuff, too, from the versatile Batarangs to grappling hooks. And it also has the keys to the Batmobile, one of the coolest cars of all time. As well as the Batcycle and the helicopter-plane-thing called The Bat. (SIDE NOTE: I did some research and found that Spider-Man once had a car. Five minutes after he got it, he crashed it into Hudson Bay. Some driver HE is.)
-Let’s return to the powers thing for a moment. Bruce Wayne doesn’t have superpowers. But that’s what makes him so much cooler. He doesn’t need them. After years of training in the martial arts and such, he can hide in the shadows and take out an entire team of bad guys all by himself. He does detective work back in his hideout under Wayne Manor (which is a pretty darn cool house, by the way) and then goes out and beats the crap out of criminals. He’s got police connections, too. No one is safe from this superpower-less total BA.
-This guy’s life is so much more tragic than Peter Parker’s. Like I said, Bruce’s parents were killed when he was just a boy. But it doesn’t stop there. No, sir. In just one week, one of his best friends is killed and the other one is horribly scarred, and he’s forced to kill the other one, and a third fakes his own death. All in one week. Rich and powerful (literally powerful) people can have it so much worse off than scrawny high school photographers.
MH: What?! Again? AGAIN?!
CWG: Yes sire…AGAIN!!!
MH: Why do you insist on being wrong so much of the time?
CWG: HEY THERE NOW! I HAVE ONLY LOST TWICE!!!
MH: Which just goes to show how incredibly misinformed the public is…
CWG: OR HOW INFORMED THEY REALLY ARE!
MH: Don’t kid yourself, sister.
CWG: Let’s face it honey…Spider-Man is the SHIZ!
MH: *sigh* look…Batman has so much more cred than Spider-Man.
MH: Well, Batman is just so much more believable. We gotta have some realism here.
CWG: Hey hey hey….spiders are serious stuff
MH: NOT AS SERIOUS AS WATCHING BOTH OF YOUR PARENTS DIE AND VOWING TO AVENGE THEM!
CWG: Well…Spider-Man saw his uncle die in the movie that I watched to research this. That movie made me cry like and infant.
MH: Yah, but that was HIS FAULT FOR BEING AN A-HOLE! BRUCE DID NOTHING WRONG!
CWG: That’s what made it so much more poignant! Peter had to get past that, we can all identify with that. We all do things that we really want to take back but we can’t.
MH: BRUCE HAD TO GET PAST BOTH HIS PARENTS DYING…and his fear of bats and knife-wielding clowns….AND ALSO HIS BEST FRIEND/CRUSH GOT KILLED AND HE HAD TO KILL HIS OTHER FRIEND! I THINK THAT WINS!
CWG: But that’s why Peter is so cool. ‘Cause he is relatable. Most of us don’t have butlers or murdered parents or millions of dollars or dead besties or psychotic clowns! But we do have skateboards and homework and guilt! THAT’S RELATABLE STUFF, MAN!
MH: YOU CAN RELATE TO GIANT LIZARD-MEN AND MUTANT SPIDER-POWERS?!
CWG: …..you don’t know me
CWG: I have a pet lizard, his name is Sammy. He’s my nemesis.
CWG: I have a skateboard like Spider-Man (but I fall off it a lot), I have an uncle like Spider-Man, I have an aunt who doesn’t know all of my secrets like Spider-Man, and I have clothes like Spider-Man.
MH: Umm…Bruce has clothes and probably an aunt and uncle somewhere, and he’s a good driver…like me. Spider-Man crashed the Spider-buggy into the Hudson Bay.
CWG: Then that’s another thing that we have in common…poor driving skills. I failed the road test at the DMV.
MH: I can do a convincing Batman voice!
CWG: Well I can do a convincing Spider-Man voice…it sounds like SARCASM!
MH: Because we haven’t had enough of THAT from you for the last six months…
CWG: EXACTLY! I’m consistent in my likeness to Spider-Man!
MH: You’re consistently WRONG!
CWG: As in “I’m so right, it’s just wrong…”
MH: NO…as in “You’re so wrong, it’s just wrong…”
CWG: You’re so stupid, it’s just stupid.
MH: You’re so annoying, it’s just annoying.
CWG: We’re so juevenille, it’s just juevenille.
MH: You’re so pathetic at spelling “juvenile”, it’s just pathetic.
CWG: I’m dyslexic…
MH: Just make me feel bad, why don’t you?!
CWG: Tee hee…this argument is going nowhere.
MH: It really isn’t.
CWG: So did I tell you that I started watching Supernatural?
CWG: BECAUSE I DID!
CWG: IT’S SMASHING!
CWG: IT IS DELIGHTFUL!
MH: yes dear
CWG: IT WILL BE THE TOPIC OF OUR NEXT DEBATE!
MH: yes…wait, what?
CWG: OH YES!
MH: ummm…. (DEAR PEOPLE READING THIS: CRAZYWRITERGIRL HACKED THIS CONVERSATION A LITTLE WHILE AGO AND IT’S ACTUALLY BEEN HER TALKING TO HERSELF FOR A WHILE NOW…not schizophrenic at all.)
CWG: But seriously…next up “Supernatural VS. (television show of Metalhead’s choosing)”
MH: Goodbye y’all!
MH: crazywritergirl is a beautiful person, you should vote for her…she deserves it.
Who do you like better: Spider-Man or Batman? We're so torn...