This is a contract for my future boyfriend, written in order for both of us to keep our absolute sanity. Looks like he’s got some big orders to fill!
In order to be called an official relationship, both parties must first go on a minimum of three/four dates, and be asked to continue going out exclusively. The relationship should consist of frequent communication and dates along with both parties’ desire to make the other happy.
Before any kissing of any sort begins, adequate hand-holding must first be established. Any kiss should not ensue before date three. If approximately one month of exclusive dating goes by and neither party has made an attempt to “lock the lip”, then the relationship might have a high chance of being terminated due to lack of physical affection. Public displays of affection will be kept at an appropriate and minimal level.
III. Proper Etiquette
All I ask is that for the first two months of exclusive dating, proper door-holding, jacket-giving, and complimenting ensues. You will not be required to hold a chair, but still maintain basic forms of chivalry. It is expected for these acts of kindness to be maintained after two months out of care, and not out of requirement.
Dates can include, but not be limited to, going to the movies, dinner, “hanging out” at each other’s homes, or attending a party together. A date does not include me watching you play Halo. I will only agree to play a video game with you if said game is “Mario Kart” and I get to pick any character I want first (which will most likely be “Toad” in the majority of situations).
Regular and daily communication is required for relationship to last. This includes texting and phone calls. Please note that a phone call is purely optional, however texting is necessary. If both parties frequently see each other on a daily basis (for example, at school), then outside communication is not mandatory. You should be able to make me laugh somehow, whether it be corny jokes or witty sarcasm at the right times. Especially if I am upset, you should be able to make me happy and smile again.
This concludes the boyfriend contract. Please sign and date below and be sure to maintain these rules at all times. And, of course, if I really like you, then some lenience will be made on behalf of both parties for the relationship to work out.
Originally published on January 5, 2013.