Ask Jono: My BF Won't Kiss Me
You've helped me so much to understand guys, especially the awkward and shy ones. So, hopefully, you can help me with my awkward and shy guy. My supermegafoxyawesomehot boyfriend of three months is a true gentleman. He's also adorably awkward and semi-clueless when it comes to relationships (because I'm his first).
He just started holding my hand and stuff last week, and we're both constantly bothered about not having kissed each other. I want a kiss, and I've told him that. But he openly told me that he doesn't want to.
So, if you don't mind, I have two questions:
1. Can you help me figure out what's going through his guy mind (because you're a guy)?
2. Is there a way to change my NBK status sometime soon?
Jono, I completely trust in your awesome advice-giving ability.
Hmm. I'm not sure you should trust my anything, because I thought this situation always played out in reverse—where the girl is like "We should take it slow," and the guy is like "Okay, but let's go create babies in the utility closet."
I have some sense of where this guy is coming from, because my first couple of relationships did go pretty slowly, in exactly the way that you guys might expect, knowing me as you do (Jono goes on date, Jono somehow dumps entire bowl of spaghetti on own head, nobody kisses anybody). But in my case, if a girl had literally said "I would like to kiss your mouth with my mouth" I'd never have been like "Ha ha, grooosss," and refused. I was too hopeless to instigate the makeouts, but I'd never have been opposed to them.
However, I don't know your guy's perspective on all this. I am the opposite of a mind-reader, in that I barely even know what I myself am thinking half the time, so I certainly can't tell you I know what he's thinking. But I can tell you that everybody, in every relationship, moves at his or her own pace (despite the media's breathless insistence that all teenagers are wildly sexting everybody and shooting out babies left and right).
If I had to guess what was going on in your boy's head, I'd say it was one of the following:
He's super-shy about intimacy in general.
This follows the same reasoning as any other romantic reluctance you might feel; if you saw some stranger on the corner holding up a sign that said SEXYTIMES, $5, very few of you would be like "Oh, okay! Sounds good." What he's doing comes from the same basic impulse; he just has a very low threshold for what he's comfortable with, and at what pace. (Furthermore, for my reasoning to work, I am assuming that all of you own at least five dollars.) Anyway, if this is his hangup, then he's not not interested; he just isn't ready to get into the game and start first-basin' it. He is fidgeting awkwardly in the dugout, chewing bubblegum and mulling it over.
He's afraid to screw up.
If this is the case, he's so worried about Critical Kissing Failure that he's just trying to be safe and not embarrass himself. There apparently is such a thing as a bad kisser, at least according to girls I know. I find that concept very hard to grasp, because all you really have to do connect mouths without falling over or blurting out "LOL, YOU KISS LIKE YOUR SISTER," but there you have it. He just doesn't want to bonk you on the forehead with his wildly flailing mouth.
He's not permitted to, due to parents/religion/code of the samurai/et cetera.
I find this unlikely, because I think you'd already know about a major outside reason like this, but it's technically possible, so I'm including it anyway. If this is the case, he should probably explain it, which I'm about to get into.
Whatever the reason, I think what you should do next is broach this topic gently, but soon. Normally I'd be very laid-back about your timetable here. "Give him time to come around!" I'd advise, fanning myself lazily and shrugging my shoulders carelessly. But now, I have a stern gaze in my eyeballs, and an uneaten taco forgotten at my side, because his outright refusal to kiss you is kind of worrisome. I accept that there are reasons not to want to, so please don't bludgeon me to death in the comments—I just think he should be willing to offer those reasons instead of going "NOPE" and leaving you to figure out why.
If he does have an outside reason of some kind, he should be willing to share it, or at least to offer some kind of it's-not-you-it's-me explanation. If he's worried about doing it awkwardly, that can be easily resolved—is he opposed to kissing, or opposed to being the one who kisses you? (He can't very well screw it up if you kiss him and all he has to do is go "WHAT?? OH. THIS IS AWESOME.") And if he's just shy about intimacy in general, then his timetable is something you two need to talk about—does he just need time to get more comfortable around you, or does he never intend to kiss anybody until he has a lengthy beard and a futuristic robot wife? The former is the kind of situation where you can work with him, but if it's the latter, you need to clarify to him what you want out of this relationship, and how long you're willing to wait for it.