How to Fail at January
It’s a new year and hope fills the air. You have a twinkle in your eye and a spring in your step. You are ready to absolutely crush it as every cliché about making a new, better you runs through your head. Just make sure you remember how easy it is to suck at life, and try to avoid these common January fails.
1. Sled down a hill covered in ice, not snow. This could mean a trip to the emergency room. You better check yourself before you wreck yourself, literally.
2. Accidentally slip the letter inviting your crush to the Sadie Hawkins Dance into the wrong locker. This classic faux pas could lead to a hilarious 50’s sitcom style misunderstanding, but it’s more likely that the wrong locker belongs to your nemesis and you will end up horribly embarrassed. Save yourself the trouble and consider asking in person.
3. Get hit by a snowplow. It’s very possible when a crazy blizzard strikes.
4. Gain so much holiday winter weight that you can’t fit into your snow pants. Unfortunately, the excessive amounts of holiday cheese and sweets have settled comfortably in the places they're least welcome, and you can’t even wiggle into your largest pantaloons. Find a treadmill STAT.
5. Fall into a badger hole concealed by snow. Snow is pretty magical; it can take what’s barren and ugly, blanket it, and turn it into something beautiful. However, all this hiding creates a host of hazards. It’s simple enough to avoid badger holes when they’re in plain sight, but it’s even easier to sink into one when the snow deceives you into thinking that a large hole is really a six-inch depression that you can handle. It's safer to just stick to the sidewalk.
6. Dress for spring when it’s still the dead of winter. Shorts and flip-flops now will only lead to hypothermia. Dressing for spring will not actually make it spring. You can’t will a season into existence.
7. Continue to sing “Call Me Maybe.” It’s 2013, maybe it’s time to move onto a new hit.
8. Burn your mouth on hot chocolate. This sucks so much, mostly because everything feels like cotton for the two days after.
9. Walk outside in subzero temperatures with wet hair. In the best case, your hair will take an extra three hours to dry. In the worst, it will literally freeze and snap off.
10. Trip into the gross, discolored slush all over the streets and ruin the new sweater your Aunt Myrtle got you. Actually, this may be a win; it all depends on how you feel about that sweater.