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7 Hilariously Bad Yelp Reviews

7 Hilariously Bad Yelp Reviews

By Lauren Passell

Yelp reviews aren't only helpful in choosing a service, they exist for entertainment purposes, too. Bad experiences in particular often yield for some angry, fired up reviewers. These reviewers shelled out one star, and their reviews are worth reading:

1. Pentagram pizza

"WAT. I WENT TO THIS RESTAURANT AND FOOD WAS GOOD BUT THEN WAITER LEENED IN CLOSE 2 ME AND WHISPERED "THIS IS THE SEASON....4 DEATH" AND CARVED A PENTAGRAM INTO MY PIZZA AND THEN NOBODY ELSE WOULD ACKNOWLEDGE I WAS THERE??" -GaryOak, Kooper's Tavern, Baltimore MD

2. Coup d'etat!

"Fortunately I got it to go and ate in the privacy of my hotel room because shortly after I finished my second piece, my digestive system staged an all out coup d'etat! I sprinted to the bathroom and proceeded to drop an entire school system full of kids at the pool! Followed by a burning flock of doves! And a touch of hot lava to top it off! And as the wallpaper curled off the bathroom walls, the scent of firey poo wafted through our suite. My boyfriend ran through the balcony door...and dove five floors to his death. Shortly thereafter the entire hotel imploded upon itself. The End :)" -Sarah "Pootie Pie" S., Giovani's Tomato Pie Restaurant, Lahaina, HI

3. Four score and...

"Was murdered here. Do not recommend." -Abe L, Ford's Theater, Washington DC

4. Mean girls

"This place be BALLIN, yo. Chicken nuggitz be crispy like you never SEEN! I tasted one and was like, "WHAAAAT! Are you serious Wendy?" Mean girls workin the friers tho. This one chick wouldn't even let me holla. I was like, 'please you ugly anyway.'" -Chris, Wendy's, Georgetown

5. Nearly choked to death

"Now I've been to my fare share of good soul food restaurants and I'm pretty sure the pasta isn't suppose to taste like a cross between lasagna and cat food. The noodles were under cooked and the sauce was pure oil and grease. The gumbo was the most disgusting and vile thing I have ever eaten, that is until I tried a bite of the mashed potatoes and gravy. The mashed potatoes and gravy need their very own Yelp review because I just don't think I'll have space. Let me start with the gravy, at first whiff my nostrils were annihilated with the smell of cooked dog food. I was brave and took a tiny taste and proceeded to nearly choke to death." -Brittani, Paschal's, Los Angeles

6. French toast

"We had SUCH a good first date. I will fondly remember that night of passion forever...and the morning? OH GOSH, waking up to you was awesome! The oral sensation just blew me awayespecially your french toast....ohhhhh your french toast. But lately things have taken a turn for the worst. It seems you've grown complacent, my dear, and you've started to let yourself slip." -Jonathan W., Patois, Brooklyn, NY

7. Roach cabaret

"The last time I went to The Silver Skillet I got:

-1 sticky, filthy menu with hair on it

-1 roach cabaret performing a moving interpretive dance number across the surface of our table and up the side of our napkin dispenser

-1 crusty career waitress with a crackling "I've smoked for 50 years and I'm 'bout to hack up a lung" type cough. She hacked into her hands then used her germ coated paws to: grab peoples' glasses for refills, arrange food on plates as it came out of the kitchen and serve diners who are apparently not as observant or germophobic as I.

Had it been an episode of Fear Factor I might've eaten each delicious member of the roach cabaret AND an entire plate of sputum coated breakfast food for $50,000. But it wasn't, so I had to dash (no dine!)" -Sarah "Pooty Pie" S., The Silver Skillet, Atlanta, GA

What's the worst restaurant experience you've ever had?

Topics: Life
Tags: lists, gross things, restaurants, the internet, yelp

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