Welcome to the beginning of 2013, the time of incorrectly writing the date on top of your next math quiz, a whole new crop of funny cat videos, and most importantly, resolutions. While it's all well and good to make firm promises with yourself to clean out your closet (do you REALLY need those jeans in mustard, taupe, and emerald green?) or marathon an excellent TV series on Netflix (*cough*Supernatural*cough*!), there are resolutions that just aren't meant to be kept. Read on for a few key examples.
Ridiculous Resolution 1: Marrying Shawn Spencer from Psych
First of all, he's already with Juliet, and we're pretty sure he's gonna pop the question. (He had the ring last season, remember?) Second of all, you'd have to somehow manage to get on the show and either break them up via a covert text message, a one-way trip to Mars, or by burying her alive underneath the wrappers of junk food that clutter the Psych office. Then, you'd have to hide your crime from Shawn, comfort him in his grief, and , most difficult of all, convince him to propose to you WHILE ending his bromance with Gus (since no marriage can survive a third wheel). And none of that would work because Shawn would surely catch on due to his fake/real psychic-detective powers. Also, he'd NEVER break up with Gus. Never. AND: he's a fictional character. So. Just give up.
Ridiculous Resolution 2: Play Angry Birds Less Often
Please. They're taking over the world one game/dog toy/gummy bird packet at a time. Zombiepocalypse? I don't think so. Angry Birds will clearly be the Feathery Pig Comet that ends the world.
Ridiculous Resolution 3: Read Les Miserables, the Unabridged version
It has more pages than the DMV line has cranky waiting people. Not that the epic, frustrating length should discourage you. We just think that once you watch the new movie, you'll be too distracted by Hugh Jackman's manly strength and Russell Crowe's EPIC SINGING FAIL to even crack that sucker open to the first page.
Ridiculous Resolution 4: Clean the bathroom when your mom asks you too
Ridiculous Resolution 5: Stop Posting Adorable Pictures of Cute Puppies on Your Facebook Timeline Every Five Seconds
This is a good resolution in theory. In practice, when you are surrounded by YouTube videos with dogs sleep-running into walls, Dog Shaming memes (Google it), entire social networking sites devoted to dogs (aka my new addiction Puppystream) and posts here on Sparklife lauding furry cuteness, you don't stand a chance. Just give in. Feed that puppy addiction. Feeeeeeed it.
Ridiculous Resolution 6: Finding out Leverage character Sophie Devereaux's real name
TNT CANCELED IT! No more Hardison with his tech whiz, no more Parker jumping off tall buildings (sometimes with harness, sometimes without), no more Eliot being AWESOME, no more Nathan Ford being mastermindey, no more grifter Sophie with her British accent. And to add insult to injury, in the series finale, they FINALLY gave us the gift of Sophie's real name (Laura!) only to take it away ten seconds later ("You know that's not my real name, right?"). [Insert SCREAM OF FUTILITY here]
Ridiculous Resolution 7: Eat A Piece of Chocolate-Covered Bacon Every Day
Actually, this is awesome. GO YOU!
Did you make any ridiculous New Year's resolutions?