The first week of the year is nearly finished, and that leaves only 51 more weeks to go until 2014! Here’s why you should be laughing, smiling, and using the phrase, “Bee’s knees!”
1. Yes, it’s Monday, and Mondays are awful, but at least you're not a snake. Snakes eat mice. That’s gross.
2. Remember how you couldn’t find the right classroom and then you were late and then that cyclops fed you cotton candy from a ladle? That was only a dream. Or perhaps a vision of the future...
3. It’s Jeremy Renner’s birthday! Celebrate by seeing the new Hansel and Gretel movie when it comes out, even though no one really wants to see that awful-looking movie.
4. Oh no! Does J-Biebs do drugs? Short Answer: Probably not. Long Answer: Who the hell cares? Answer given by someone who didn’t even read the question: Les Miserables is amazing and all opinions to the contrary are vile and should be deleted!
5. Texas Chainsaw 3D beat The Hobbit and Les Miserables at the box office this weekend. This was due to the fact that teens wanted to see a movie without the risk of running into their English teacher. Finally.
6. Two billion years ago, Mars looked like Earth. But then it got into drugs and rock music and now look at it. Let this be a warning.
7. Here’s the proper way to take down your Christmas tree: First, carefully remove the ornaments. Then, complain that this is boring and make your sibling do it. Then, go online and share photos of your shoes. Then, have a snack. The End
8. This magician is like a real-life Harry Potter crossed with Bugs Bunny.
9. Word of the Day: Lackadaisical. Definition: No one really knows. We just all act like we know what it means. So play along. Cool? Cool. Example: That pirate in the backyard is lackadaisical and his name is Conor.
10. What did you think of Downton Abbey last night? I didn’t watch it because I never watch it. Please sum up the entire series for me. It’s about a Sherlock Holmes, The Doctor, and Bridget Jones, right? England!
11. Consider This: “Cough drops” are very disgusting when not used to refer to lozenges.
12. I spelled lozenges correctly on my first try! 2013, you just got served!!! Next I’ll try to spell lasgnaia. Damn.
13. Asking a friend how their holiday was can lead to boring stories. Instead, ask them to describe their holiday as a flavor or noise.
14. Put your best foot forward and your worst foot off to the left where no one can see it. Cover it with an old T-shirt, too.
15. Obama is announcing new cabinet members! Fingers crossed, you might be the new Secretary of Defense! (And if you are, can I have a missile? Just a small one. And an ejection seat? Thanks!)
16. Money Matters: Save money by making your own Lifesavers simply by de-sticking lollipops. Use the leftover sticks as safety-toothpicks!
17. Be nice to your substitute teacher today, because sadly today will be the best day of their lives.
18. Can you believe it’s already almost Memorial Day!?!? (Kind of.)
19. Craft Idea: Use piano wire instead of kite string. When you’re flying kites, and a bird hits the wire, a melodious PLINK will be your reward.
20. Lasagna! Ha! Nailed it!
21. Make today special by ending every sentence with a percent sign! (Pronounced as “zip-zap-zoom!”)
22. Dating Advice: To prevent yourself from going too far on a first date, write, “I’m full of farts,” on your belly in permanent marker. This will stop you from making poor decisions and taking your clothes off.
23. Did you get a new 2013 calendar? Is it this one? Why not!?!
24. Happy Birthday to everyone in 2013! (There. That’s covered.)
25. Quick Poll!