2013 is sure to be a big year for celebrities; in fact, Kim Kardashian and Kayne West are already set to welcome a child into the world, which is scarily amazing (emphasis on the "scarily"). Since we’re tabloid fiends, we’ve put together a list of predictions. After the jump, find out what will happen to Rob and Kristen, Miley, and all the others you love to hate.
Robert Pattinson and Kristen Stewart: As you must known by now, in 2012, K Stew cheated on R Patz with Rupert Sanders, the director of her “Snow White and the Huntsman” movie. Although the two are supposedly back together, we predict that Rob will find solace in the arms of the stunt double for his shirtless scenes. Rob will look into the eyes of the more muscular, very athletic version of himself and fall instantly in love. After the affair comes to light, the two will buy Reese Witherspoon’s mansion and publicly crusade for gay marriage rights. Meanwhile, K Stew will be forced to move back in with her parents.
John Mayer and Katy Perry: John Mayer is a player and Katy Perry has scary taste in men (see: Russell Brand). Since the two just spent Christmas together, we see them “trying” to make it for the long haul, which is about 6 months in Hollywood time. They’ll be spotted at various restaurants and night clubs hand in hand, only to break up, leaving Perry devastated. She will follow up their romance with a hit song with lyrics along the lines of “you tricked me, everybody told me I was stupid, and I was!” (but better!) John Mayer will continue to wear ugly pirate hats.
Miley Cyrus: ...will most certainly regret that buzz cut. While we like that Miley is pushing the boundaries with her more edgy look, we think she’s overdoing it a little bit. Since when is she a “punk"? If she doesn’t get extensions soon, we think Liam Hemsworth might call off the wedding after he finds out her hair will never grow back (as our secret sources have indeed informed us).
Taylor Swift: After things go south with Harry from One Direction, someone is going to write a song about her, for once. While we think Taylor’s a sweetie, she is always the one who gets to tell her side of the story, and we’re curious to see the flip side. We have to admit, we do think she has to be a tad bit crazy the way she blows through the Jo-Bros, Mayer, Gyllenhaal, and Kennedy types.
Justin Bieber: Beiber fever will become a serious threat to the nation, kind of like that SARS thing a few years back. As a new swine-like flu rages through the US, researches will trace the disease's origins to one of Bieber's tour busses, proving what we've always known—he's kinda gross.
Justin Timberlake and Jessica Biel: During their first year of marriage, while JT is back in the studio (we’re praying for a new album), we predict Jessica will “accidentally” get pregnant. She will go on to have the cutest baby in the history of the world. Later in life, Timberlake Jr. will form a new generation “boy band” with Nick Lachey’s new baby Camden, Ashlee Simpson and Pete Wentz’s son Bronx, and the fetus Jessica Simpson is currently carrying.
Jessica Simpson: ...is probably going to get pregnant again during her 2nd pregnancy. We have a feeling that after she pops out baby #2, a Weight Watchers representative is going to have to move in and physically stop her from procreating until she finishes her contract with the company.
Kim and Kayne: ...are going to blow up Twitter with their Instagrams of baby Kimye. Expect Kim to make as much cash off this baby as possible—we see Sears selling Kardashian baby clothes, baby perfume, and baby hooker shoes. Kayne and Kim will make a very cute kid, but we’ll all hate it anyway.
What do you think the next year holds for your favorite celebrities? Got any future headlines in your head that you want share with us? We want to hear, so sound off in the comments sections!