Just because it’s the runner-up, doesn’t mean January 2nd is a loser. While today is all about going back to school or work or just slithering out of your blanket to let the real world slap you in the face, there are 25 reasons to celebrate. And they are...
1. Today you can wear all the new clothes you got for Christmas! Remember to take the tags off, because they look tacky. Add your own tags with smiley faces and ponies! Those look classy.
2. Michael Phelps is single again. Now he can hang out with Ryan Lochte on the “Easy Sleezy D-bag Olympians Tour!” heading to your local TGIFridays sometime after work. (Don’t fall for their classic line, “I want to kiss you. Cool?”)
3. Now that it’s January, you can (and should) finally put away those water noodles and squirt guns and get out the sleds and cranky attitudes!
4. Word of the Day: Transcendental. Definition: Getting a cavity while traveling. Example: Keep your mouth closed on the subway. You don’t want to get transcendental, Sebastian!
5. Need a gift for a dog? Buy it snow. Dogs love snow! It’s like roller coasters to them.
6. A great way to stick to your New Years resolution is by lying.
7. How excited are you for Kim Kardashian and Kanye West? (This is a trick question and the answer greatly influences your chances of making the invite list for the SparkLife President’s Day Yoga Tournament.)
8. Stop being superstitious about the number 13. It’s only a number, and it’s only going to haunt your entire life for another 364 days. Suck it up!
9. How ‘bout that Fiscal Cliff? (Still think “Fiscal Cliff” sounds like a fun kitten.)
10. It’s 2013. You need a hovercar. Get this one! It’s the best one!
11. Today you can eat healthy but using water as a condiment instead of mayonnaise or ketchup.
12. It’s the birthday of animal expert, and talk-show regular, Jack Hanna. As a gift, we should get him a shirt that isn’t beige.
13. Tomorrow would be better day to start your New Years Resolution. Right? Right. Yeah. Tomorrow. Tomorrow still counts.
14. There are only 31,406,900 seconds left in this year! ENJOY THEM! HURRY!
15. I still haven’t seen The Hobbit and at this rate, I think I should never see it so that I can be the one person who has never seen it. That can be my thing!
16. Craft Idea: Look at this loser try to make hearts. Ha! Nice work there, idiot! Can we make it any freaking easier for you and your dumb hands? What a worthless dork.
17. Looper came out on DVD and Blu-ray this week!
18. Basketball Tip: Because it’s more difficult, surely you will be awarded more points for a basket made without looking.
19. Snack of the Day: Strawberry hard candies with disgusting jelly in the middle.
20. Your Santa hat looks sadder and sadder every day from now until November, when it will be amazing once again.
21. Your Phantom of the Opera mask, however, is always relevant and awesome.
22. Weather Report: Clouds moving in later today, probably in the sky, but never underestimate a cloud’s ability to tunnel.
23. “Come on! Pick up the pace, kid! You’ll never be ready for your big fight with Neptune!” yelled the sun at the Earth as Earthy completed his 2,012th lap.
24. Wake up! Why are you still in bed? Christmas is over! Get up! Get out! Go! Go! Go!
25. Quick Poll: