Dear Reid, I feel like I stress out too much about the distant future and my grades. How can I relax more?
That’s easy—a near death experience. Nothing puts life in perspective like a foreboding brush with death itself. However, you can’t force this sort of thing; you need to make the right choices and preparations, and then wait for it to come to you. It’s like true love in that sense. My suggestion: stop chewing your food so much. Take some hearty bites, mush it around your mouth for a minimal amount of time, and then swallow with reckless abandon. Eventually, an ill proportioned bolus of food will lodge itself in your airway like a boa constrictor in a public toilet, your face will drain of color, and all of the sudden that book report on A Separate Peace will mean almost nothing—just like it should. Hooray! Your life is in perspective; if you live through this things should be much more calm.
Do make sure someone is there to help you though. Dying is an effective way to get rid of school stress, but dying can also cause dying, which is typically a bad thing. Also, be careful with which foods you choose not to chew! You should always chew chips. Have you ever had a tortilla chip stuck in your throat? It’s so painful it’d make the devil himself shed a tear, and that dude never cries.
reid, why do i have homework?
Because some men aren't looking for anything logical, like money. They can't be bought, bullied, reasoned, or negotiated with. Some men just want to watch the world learn.
Reid, whenever I start reading a book I completely shut out the world around me and it annoys everyone around me. How can I get them to leave me alone to finish my book in peace?
People will always get up in your business, especially businessmen. It’s a fact of life. The people you annoy with your reading may not ever be persuaded to leave you alone, no matter what you say or how you disappointedly shake your head. Therefore, the answer here is not to change others' attitudes, but to rather enclose yourself within a sturdy, all-encompassing barrier to permanently exclude all outside interaction. I’m saying you need to be a girl a bubble. Imagine it—living inside a giant plastic bubble! No one can bother you, you’re extra bouncy, you can serve as an efficient flotation device, and no one, even if they want to, can bother you while reading.
However, do be warned: the only way you’re legally allowed to have a literal personal bubble is by being physically devoid of an immune system. There are, of course, ways to make this happen—most people have a button of some kind to return them to their factory defaults, and most doctors know where to find it. But this will dramatically change your lifestyle, so consider the pros and cons:
PROS: reading in peace, more room in elevators, safety from bird attacks, rolling down hills, never caught in the rain
CONS: sneezes will kill you, I have no idea how bathrooms would work
Both sides make a convincing argument, so choose wisely.
I have a dog that HATES baths. All I want to do is like in the movies, where you toss arounds mounds of bubbles and the dog pushes you in the bath in your clothes. How do I train my dog to love baths like the dogs in the movies?
'Cause everybody knows, you can't put something in movies that isn't true
Have you ever sat down and had a frank discussion with your dog about this? Dogs can’t read minds, unlike other animals like cats and turtles. Your dog just doesn’t understand what this means to you; you need to sit down and talk this through.
“Mr. Dog, I think we need to have a conversation about baths.”
“Please, Mr. Dog was my father’s name, call me dog.”
“Okay, dog. I wish our bath time was more fun, it would make me happy if you got into it more.”
“I’ve been so selfish. I’m sorry, Mrs. Human.”
“Please, Mrs. Human is my mother’s name, call me human.”
“Okay … human.” (Cue dramatic kiss)
I think that’s probably how this would work out. You can take or leave the kissing. Everyone kisses their dogs, right?
That’s concludes the advice for this week. If you happen to have a question you could use my practical, worldly advice, leave it in the comments and I’ll answer it next week.