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Pros and Cons of the Apocalypse

Pros and Cons of the Apocalypse

By Danielle Kraese

The ancient Mayans famously predicted that the world’s end would take place on December 21st, and for quite some time, this premonition prompted little more than smug jokes and a couple of doomsday-based box office hits (our favorite was The Day After Tomorrow, when Jake Gyllenhal had to save Emmy Rossum from hypothermia by hugging her really hard). But now, between the recent smattering of natural disasters, asteroids soaring alarmingly close to Earth, and the sudden extinction of Twinkies—well, it’s starting to seem like the world might be coming to an end, after all. Fortunately, we’ve put together a list of pros and cons to help you figure out how to feel about the possibility of Earth’s imminent end, just in case the Mayans weren’t as crazy as we thought.

PROS:

- We’ll all be spared from having to see 50 Shades of Grey become the next big movie series. Although, it’s hard not to be just a little curious as to how they plan to translate it to the big screen without ultimately making a trilogy of bad pornos.

- We don’t have to feel so bad about ourselves after watching this year’s Victoria’s Secret Fashion Show. Ten-pack abs and an hourglass figure don’t hold as much value when the world is about to end.

- After watching this video of DMX free-styling Rudolph the Red-Nosed Reindeer, it almost feels as though life has nothing else it could possibly offer.

-There’s no need to worry about finding the perfect Christmas gift for everyone in your family! Celebrators of Hanukkah: sorry, but you’re not off the hook.

- Your crush will probably make out with you if you ask. And in the insanely unlikely chance that you do get shot down, you’ll only have to endure a few days of embarrassment, tops.

- Print books won’t be outlived by E-books, after all! Studies suggest that an apocalypse would end book sales altogether.

- Didn’t study for that big test before winter break? DOESN’T MATTER!

- Didn’t get into your top-choice college? DOESN’T MATTER!

- Didn’t even get into your safety school? DOESN’T MATTER! (But if the world doesn’t end up self-destructing, you should probably be a little alarmed).

CONS:

- Many of us will be robbed of the opportunity to experience some of life’s essential milestones: prom, college, marriage, parenthood, and most coveted of all, retirement.

- The Boy Meets World spin-off has finally been announced, but now we’ll never get to see it. (That’s a cruel trick, Universe. Really cruel).

- Most people will never know the real danger that pit bulls pose—that being the danger of them seducing our stuffed animals and forcing them to be the little spoon.

- Joseph Gordon-Levitt will never get to know our true feelings of obsessive love for him. Unless, of course, he happens to read this post.

- Unless your parents happen to have a lot of faith in the early visions of the Mayans, they’ll probably still make you go to school. This means you’ll be spending the last days of your life in the company of the middle-aged math teacher who has yet to discover age-appropriate attire and the granola-munching gym teacher who condemns the idea of daily showers, deodorant, and, most unfortunately of all, underwear.

- Maybe we’re a little late to the party, but we were THISCLOSE to finally mastering our own interpretation of “Gangnam Style.”

- This 3000-year-old Sequoia, known as "The President," will probably manage to survive and go on to rule the Earth—if there’s anything left of it. And if there are any human survivors, we’re willing to bet that he'll exact the ultimate tree revenge by making them into his own personal supply of people paper.

Poll Question

What measures are you taking in anticipation of the apocalypse?

Topics: Life
Tags: apocalypse, funny things, pros and cons, the end of the world, funny lists, the mayans

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About the Author
Danielle Kraese

Danielle writes, performs improv, and loiters in Starbucks locations in and around New York City. When she grows up, she wants to be an author or an elephant whisperer. Or maybe both. Follow her on Twitter @DanielleKraese.

Wanna contact a writer or editor? Email contribute@sparknotes.com.