15 Things To Do Before the End of the World
As we all know with utmost certainty, the world is ending soon. Or is it? Is that still going on? Well, the world may or may not be ending, but you would all be remiss if you didn’t engage in these last fifteen shenanigans before… well, before something happens. An explosion of sorts. Maybe fire. We're not sure. It's been a while since our last apocalypse. Anyway...
1. Use a bendy straw. It may not sound like much, but you're just going to have to trust us.
2. Eat an entire cake/pan of brownies/gallon of ice cream. By yourself. It's the most glorious, most terrible thing you will ever do. And you'll regret it. My God, will you regret it. But as you consume those last few bites, you'll lie there in a sugary haze, on the verge of puking, and you'll know you can die now having consumed the physical manifestation of bliss in its entirety.
4. Marathon your favorite show for at least 12 straight hours. With a friend, by yourself, in your underwear, whatever. (But not with your friend and in your underwear... unless it's that kind of party. As in all life situations, everyone must agree upon the degree of pantslessness beforehand.)
5. Order a pizza from Domino's. They have that pizza tracker. Take advantage of this technology before it's too late, because you can WATCH YOUR FOOD COMING AT YOU. With accuracy. Has there ever been anything cooler in all of human history?
6. Use the vending machine in Singapore that gives you free Coca-Cola when you hug it. We wish more things/people would dispense free soft drinks upon receiving a hug, but alas.
7. Get shushed in a movie theater. It's just something that needs to happen to everyone. It's one of those experiences that makes you take a good, long look at yourself in the mirror.
8. Trash a classroom. Haven't you ever looked around a perfectly well-klept classroom and wanted to wreak absolute havoc? Knocking over desks, upending tables, shredding paper, drop-kicking the globe? That's a fantasy everyone has, right? Right?
9. Fundamentally prove why, exactly, sandwiches taste inarguably better when cut into triangles. This has been a long time coming. We don't know what scientists have been doing that's so much more important.
10. Actually we do. Use one of these magic strips that instantly cures burnt taste buds. That's what science has been doing: kicking BUTT, and allowing us to eat pizza the second it comes out of the oven without the consequences usually involved with recklessly diving into something that was heating at 425 degrees just seconds previously.
11. Do something badass. The parameters of badassery here are subjective. Some people take their coffee black. Some people steal cars. The ball's in your court.
12. Make the winning goal/basket/touchdown. You might have to pull some strings to make this happen. Nobody said you couldn't have the game fixed. And nobody said you couldn't just win the last race in Mario Kart: Double Dash, shrug, and say, "Eh, close enough."
13. Do something that scares you. We wouldn't recommend, like, adopting a grizzly bear, but maybe go on a roller coaster or something.
14. Go around wearing a ridiculous costume in public while acting as if you are not aware you're wearing said ridiculous costume.
15. Go to a silent disco. How has this not really caught on in America? People literally have dance parties while wearing wireless headphones. We have bacon-scented air freshener and men's ties that can double as pillows, but we don't have silent discos?
Got any stuff you want to accomplish before the maybe-apocalypse potentially occurs?