Emma: We were lucky enough to see an advanced screening of The Hobbit last week. We have the best jobs in the world! But I have a confession:
I didn't really like the movie.
Josh: I, on the other hand, LOVED it.
Emma: WHY. First of all, the entire first hour of the movie is just dwarves eating dinner
That's a FACT
Josh: In the book you don't get to know the dwarves that well, and I think the time they spent getting to know them was sort of like "Hey, you're going to be spending three movies with these guys... you should bond!"
Emma: But you don't get to know them!
Josh:Sure you did! One was old with a grey beard. One was old with a red beard...
Emma: I guess you get to know that they're rude boors who steal food and barge into people's homes willy-nilly
THAT'S who you want to go on an adventure with
Emma: :/ I don't, and Bilbo doesn't either
Josh: What about the two dwarves who were male underwear models?
Emma: I liked the hot ones, even though we never got to see even one of their abs
Josh: I think they're saving the abs and the dragon for the second movie
Emma: The second one BETTER have some abs and dragons
Josh: and dragon abs
Emma: OK so after literally one hour of nothing happening...
Josh: One hour of bonding
Emma: ...they set out on a journey.
Then here's what happens: they fight a bunch of bad guys, over and over and over again.
The bad guys are not nuanced. They're just monsters.
You don't care about anyone, because there's no character development.
And you know that Frodo won't die, so there's no tension there.
Josh: Frodo? You mean Bilbo?
Frodo isn't even born yet.
ONE OF THE GUYS WITH HAIRY FEET
Look, I admit I'm not a "Tolkien person"
Josh: Oh, I see how it is
ALL Hobbits look the same
Emma: That's pretty rich when we're talking about a movie where literally every character is defined by his appearance
There are no nice orcs, if indeed that's how you spell "orcs"
They're all horrible because they look horrible
Josh: Their ugliness on the outside is a manifestation of the ugliness on their insides
Also, who wants to fight a hottie?
Emma: I want to fight a hottie, if we're talking about tickle fights
Emma: Now, onto my next issue: THERE ARE NO WOMEN IN THIS FILM
okay, there's ONE, but my point stands
Imagine if guys were expected to see fantasy films starring a boatload of women and one man
Ha! Ha! Ha!
The idea is laughable
Josh: The one woman in this film happens to be THE MOST POWERFUL CHARACTER IN MIDDLE EARTH
She basically controls everything
Emma: I still don't see why I'm expected to sit through a whole movie about trolls and goblins, when my big reward is 1.5 minutes of a woman talking
Josh: maybe she got rid of all the other women because she's jelly-beans
Emma: I would see a movie about that, happily
Josh: Also, your reward is the amazing 3D
Speaking of that.
We should discuss the 48mm.
This film looks like a 1982 home video on VHS.
And you know I'm right.
Josh: 48mm is a size
48 frames per second
is how it was filmed
get it right
Emma: Stop stalling
Admit that this movie looks like a BBC documentary shot on a soundstage.
Josh: The action sequences were sick!
Emma: Yes, they were
The talking scenes looked like garbage!
Josh: The sound editing made me feel like I was right there in the room!
Emma: Sound editing?!?
Fine, ignore the real issue
Emma: ADMIT IT
Josh: the talking scenes looked weird
And by "weird," you mean...?
Josh: Kind of like they were filmed on my iPhone
Emma: DOUBLE HA!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Josh: NOW WAIT A SECOND
Your ONE salient point is that the expositional scenes looked KIND of weird
The storytelling is amazing
the battle scenes are incredibly realistic
the visual effects are cutting edge
we get more Gollum
how great was Gollum
Emma: You're right, the Gollum scene was wonderful: funny, surprising, and scary.
I loved that part!
Josh: SO GOOD
Emma: Unfortunately, it was a 10-minute section of an interminable 3-hour movie about a bunch of dudes going for a walk
Josh: It's the classic epic tale of revenge and treasure!
It's a modern day Epic of Gilgamesh!
It is OUR Beowulf
Emma: BUT WE DIDN'T GET TO ANY OF THE REVENGE OR TREASURE
Josh: Because that's in parts 2 and 3
Emma: exactly my point
This is the weightless first entry in an unnecessarily bloated three-part cash grab.
Josh: If the guy who wrote The Epic of Gilgamesh could have split it into three parts and gotten a merch tie in with Pepsi, he would have.
Doesn't mean it isn't a good story!
Emma: Yep, yes it does
This part wasn't, anyway
Wake me up for part 3
Josh: It's building it up
You're just about the payoff
All you care about is abs and dragons
Emma: Guilty as charged.
In conclusion, I predict the Sparklers will agree with me when the movie comes out on 12/14
Josh: AND in a MORE ACCURATE conclusion, I predict that the Sparklers will agree with me when the movie comes out on 12/14