Some battles are as old as time: good versus evil, Velcro versus zippers, bangs versus no bangs. Here at SparkLife, we set out to determine the ultimate fighting champion among ubiquitous fried foods, devoting weeks in the lab to pitting fries against onion rings under varying clinical conditions, set to different One Direction songs. And at last, eight pounds heavier and skin turned transparent from vegetable oil, we have an answer. First, here's what we found:
You can make a log cabin out of French fries.
You can make an Earthship out of onion rings.
Onion rings: from the award-winning creators of the wheel!
Fries: from the award-winning creators of waffles!
Fries can leap through onion rings, but onion rings cannot leap through fries, except in the case of time travel.
Fries stay in one piece, unlike zombies.
Onion rings won't bite you, unlike zombies.
Fries can be used as shoe-laces in a pinch, if you are wearing ketchup for shoes.
Onion can be used as a life-buoy, if you are drowning in aioli.
Onion rings say, "Hey, gimme a hug."
Fries say, "You'll never skin me alive! Ahahaha!"
Onion rings can be stored on the fingers for times of famine.
Fries can help nail biters break the habit, or help thinkers think, when placed behind the ear.
Fries can spell out words.
Onion rings can spell out "ooooooooooooooo."
If you have fries and onion rings, you can write binary code.
Fries make a great camouflage if you're hiding next to a piece of battered fish.
Onion rings are a great non-verbal sign in a foreign land that you are looking to purchase a pair of pipe-cleaner glasses.
Fries can be used as arrows to mark a trail.
Onion rings have to different tastes.
Fries tell your S.O, "you're my only 1."
Onion rings tell your S.O., "I love you to eternity."
In a war, the onion ring always wins, due to thicker ranks.
If the One Ring of Power was made of flour, milk, beer and onion, the elves might not have had to leave Middle Earth.
If Katniss Everdeen starred in Catching Fries, the people of Panem might not have been so hungry.
Winner: Fries! The fried snack of the people!
We open the forum to discussion on the merits of our scientific process and verdict...