College Essay: During Chemistry Class
Describe one attribute of your personality that you are proud of, and how has it impacted your life so far? This could be your creativity, sense of humour, leadership, etc.
Our Sparkler's Essay
During chemistry class-
A close friend of mine seems upset. I think I know why. She is sitting behind me, and the teacher is explaining hybridizations.
Emotional me- just lean back and ask. She’s upset.
Practical me- keep listening. You won’t get them later, and will curse yourself the whole time.
Fun me- oh comon. Just tie the shoelaces of the guy in front to his chair. This class is way intense. You need a break.
My friend, as it now seems, is on the verge of crying, and I shift uncomfortably. I could not miss this lecture, way important. But I just couldn’t concentrate. I pick up my bottle for a drink of water. Damn, it’s empty.
Emotional me- just do it, will you? You can’t concentrate, and if you don’t calm her down, even she will miss out on this important lecture.
Practical me- pay attention. The teacher is at sp3d now! PCl5 !
Fun me- this is so boring. Where are the chalk pieces? Need to throw them at someone, or you might just drift off.
Emotional me- you can do anything but drift off. Just ask her. Or else, don’t expect anyone else to sacrifice a few words of chemistry wisdom for your emotional day.
All this happens in my mind in a matter of 3 seconds. I lean back and ask,” hey, everything okay? You seem upset.”
And I get a smile.
“Yeah, no it’s just that I forgot to bring the BFF card I had made for, you know.”
“What? You have got to be kidding me.” I slump and go back to the lecture. At the back, I hear a laugh. I just made another one of my friends laugh.
That’s what I’m proud of. I have these multiple versions of me in my head, but in the end, I think the emotional one always wins. But it’s not the emotional me that I’m proud of. It’s that I can gauge what one is feeling and make him laugh. I derive my happiness from making others happy. And I’m proud that I can. And this helps me make friends with people who nobody considers worthy being friends with. The result is I have some friends which I will never forget, and some who will never forget me.
This is a really creative way to address the question, and we think it will make your essay stand out. A few things about the writing, though:
Your first few sentences are your chance to set the tone for the whole piece. They should be very strong. So don’t start out with “During Chemistry Class-”. Your sentences should all be full sentences. Every single one. (That wasn’t a full sentence, but you get the gist.)
Set the scene. Mention where your friend is sitting right away so the reader can get a good image. “My close friend is sitting behind me and she seems upset. The teacher is explaining hybridizations.”
Don't start a paragraph with “Emotional me-”. This essay is to show off your writing, so you have to tell about “emotional you” in the best way possible. Is there a different way of saying this? Perhaps you could frame the essay as a battle between emotional intelligence and following the rules.
Also, we would say more than just “she’s upset.” You have mentioned that already, so we would say something more descriptive or something that adds to the story, like “her brow is furrowed” or “it looks like she is about to cry in 3, 2, 1...”
Be clear. We’re not sure what you mean by “you won’t get them.” Do you mean hybridizations? (Well, we don’t get those, either.) Make sure each sentence is clear and that the reader takes away exactly what they need to know.
Make sure every word and detail counts. What is the reason you included the anecdote about the water bottle? Why did you reach for it?
Complete all of your anecdotes. Don't rush or assume that the reader gets what you mean. They weren't there, so you have to make them feel like they were there. It’s not clear why you say “At the back, I hear a laugh. I just made another one of my friends laugh.” How did you make your friend laugh?
We think this part could be more clear: “That’s what I’m proud of. I have these multiple versions of me in my head, but in the end, I think the emotional one always wins. But it’s not the emotional me that I’m proud of. It’s that I can gauge what one is feeling and make him laugh. I derive my happiness from making others happy. And I’m proud that I can. And this helps me make friends with people who nobody considers worthy being friends with. The result is I have some friends which I will never forget, and some who will never forget me.”
Think of one thought to focus on, like the fact that you make people happy, and make sure that every single sentence is directly supporting that thought. Plus, you need to clear up the questions: What exactly are you proud of? What do you mean that the emotional side “wins”? What does the emotional side of you have to do with the side of you that can make others happy?
This is a great start and certainly shines light on your personality. Just make sure all of your sentences count, and are as clear as clear can be. Good luck!
How do you think his essay can be improved?