You all know how it goes. It's nearly the end of a particularly vicious lesson. You're hanging onto your last thread of sanity. Boredom has turned into delirium. Thus far, you've managed to stop your eyeballs sliding out of their sockets and rolling out of the room to find something other than Mrs. *insert name here* with the beard to look at but now you can't take it any more. The clock counts down the last 60 seconds of the lesson, but the fact that your brain has disintegrated into a cloud of dust somewhere between "The Different Types of Grass" and "The Uses of Grass"(who said Geography wasn't fun?!) means that you feel no excitement. In fact, you cannot feel anything at all.
But then, It happens. Mrs. *insert name here* with the beard utters the words "for your homework, you are going to do some Internet research".
*DINGDINGDINGDINGDINGDING ALARM BELLS RINGING YOU AND THE REST OF YOUR CLASS ARE NOW TOTALLY AWAKE AND FULLY FUNCTIONING*
Internet research? INTERNET. RESEARCH?! No disrespect, Mrs. *insert name here* with the beard but DO YOU REALISE WHAT THE WORD "INTERNET" MEANS TO A BUNCH OF TEENAGERS???
Dear teachers of the world, if you set homework that involves the Internet or the use of a computer in any way, don't expect any homework to actually be completed by next lesson. Here is a short account of what you probably CAN expect, from the first-hand experience of a lowly 17-year-old:
17:30 - Open homework diary. Ok, so according to my diary, that biology presentation that I have to do in front of the class is due tomorrow. If I concentrate I can get this done in couple of hours. LET'S DO THIS!!! *psychs self up*
17:35 - Need to type script out. *Opens Microsoft Word.*
17:40 - I've written the title. And the first sentence. So far so good...
17:41 - What do I write nexxxtttt *homework-is-stupid derp face*... Wikipedia time.
17:42 - *opens Wikipedia, every students' Bible, and starts reading the relevant article.* Sidenote to teachers: your endless lectures on The Evils Of Wikipedia will only make us want to use it more.
17:50 - I wonder if [favourite celebrity] replied to my tweet. It was a good tweet. I spent a lot of time thinking up that tweet.
17:52 - What if they actually replied though
17:53 - WHAT IF THEY ACTUALLY REPLIED THOUGH
17:56 - Ok I'll just go check my Mentions but as soon as I've checked them I'll get off Twitter. I won't even look at my Timeline. Promise.
17:57 - They didn't reply -_- I'll allow myself to look at my Timeline to make me feel better. I was never good at keeping promises anyway
18:15 - *Chatting with Twitter friends*
18:45 - *Still chatting with Twitter friends*
18:55 - Let's read all my favourited tweets because they put me in a good mood and then I'll be able to do my presentation more quickly
19:05 - *Checking Timeline again* Someone's tweeted a link to a YouTube video: "THIS IS THE BEST SONG EVER OMG"... Guess I should listen to it then
19:11 - How the heck is that the best song ever. They obviously haven't heard [favourite song]. Let's listen to that.
19:13 - *Crying over favourite song*
19:15 - Well, I might as well watch all of [favourite band]'s music videos now that I'm on YouTube.
19:25 - *Crying over favourite band*
19:45 - OH GOD I NEED TO WORK. But I haven't had dinner. You need food to LIVE. So food > education, obvs. Yup I'm totally being sensible and making the right decisions, mhm
20:10 - Ok I'm back and READY TO WORK. *writes a paragraph*
20:25 - WOOHOO GO ME, let's get some more Wiki help
20:35: - *sees advert on the side of the Wiki page: "I lost half my original weight in two days!!!" How the heck... that's a blatant lie. *clicks on it anyway*
20:36 - That's stupid.
20:37 - Need to tweet about the stupid ad.
20:39 - *checking Timeline* [favourite YouTuber] tweeted!! They've uploaded a new video! :3
20:48 - *cries at perfection of new video*
20:49 - *tweets about perfection of new video*
20:50 - Well, now that I'm on [favourite YouTuber]'s channel I might as well watch all of their old videos.
22:30 - *Through YouTube's 'Related Videos', is now watching a video of a hula-hooping cat. Lolol.*
22:33 - *parent opens bedroom door* SHFRICKINGOMGHELP *throw laptop on ground, hand swandives onto a pen, commence Studious Expression* "So maybe if I just wrote that bit...there... and then I can write the rest at the end...." *parent leaves room feeling pleased to have such a good child.* Ok that was close. Where was I? Ah yes, cats.
23:30 - *This time, 'Related Videos' has led you to an interview with [awesome band] in which [particular member] mentions how they dropped out of school at 16.*
23:40 - See, THAT'S why I'm not working. I don't need to work to be in a band, which I fully plan on doing. If they can make it, so can I. What's up in the land of Omegle?
23:41 - Paedophile.
23:42 - Desperate.
23:43 - Gross.
23:43 - GROSS.
23:44 - Paedophile.
23:45 - Sorry, I don't speak that language.
23:46 - Paedophile.
23:47 - Racist.
23:48 - Paedophile
23:49 - From the fact that I don't understand what that means, it's probably something horrific.
23:50 - Paedophile. Why do I even bother with this website?
23:51 - OMG I TYPED A SONG LYRIC AND YOU TYPED THE NEXT LINE OMG YOU HAVE AWESOME MUSIC TASTE AND YOU ARE AWESOME. STRANGER, WE ARE SOULMATES YEP THAT'S WHAT WE ARE LET'S TALK FOREVER AND EVER AND NEVER DISCONNECT HIGH HIGH HIGH EXCITEMENT OMG
00:30 - *Disconnects accidentally.* Whoops.
00:31 - Paedophile
00:32 - Paedophile
00:33 - Paedophile
00:34 - Ok this is getting nowhere.
00:35 - Oh look at the time! Bedtime! No time for work now. Oh well! Let's read in bed before I sleep. *Googles and finds a "famous" fanfic*
01:10 - This is so AMAZING OMG ALL THE FEELS, ALL. OF. THE. FEELSADASFSJDGOWEGSBS. I have to read this whole thing tonight.
4:00 - My life has changed. That fic was just too ama-zzzzzzzzzzzzzz
6:00 - ~*ALARM CLOCK*~ OhGodonly2hourzufsleepIcan'tfunctionbleeeeecch
9:00 - Teacher: "I hope you all have your presentations ready to present to the rest of the class. The grade you get will be mentioned to your parents, good or bad!" Awks.
And that, my friends, is basically my life.
The moral of the story is that THE INTERNET IS EEEVIIIILL and we should all sell our souls to the library instead, home of the much less eeeviiiil textbook.
And the most annoying thing is that I really WANT to do homework, give it in on time, be a good student etc etc. When I have a really good homework session, I feel great afterwards. I just can't concentrate. Sigh.
It's not just me, is it? There must be some of you out there too that are doomed to a life of procrastination and last-minute essays because of the Internet-shaped elephant not so much in the room as urinating on your school books.
Dear teachers of the world, the next time that you set Internet-required homework, remember that you are basically handing all of our lives a permission slip to slowly spiral into a pit of despair and sloth. Yours sincerely, The (theoretically) Homework-Conscious Student.
P.S. the answer to last week's riddle was... The letter 'M'. ^_^
P.P.S. I wrote this Post as a form of procrastination from my English essay. FML
Originally published on October 29, 2012.