What do you do when you are having a bad day?
I can’t tell you how other people deal with bad days, but I can share with you some of my personal strategies. I typically look for a safe, healthy way to relieve the stress, take my mind off my troubles, and lose myself in an enjoyable activity. Try some of these:
- Write a bunch of swears in library books (ugly buttz, big daaaaang, triple shucks)
- Write the names of your enemies on small bits of paper and swallow them
- Spit as far as you can, measure that distance, and spend an hour trying to best it
- Yell at birds you see in public parks
- Meticulously go through a book in the library with a black pen and change every “o” to an “a”, for example: “Milo and Tock wandered up and down the aisles looking at the wonderful assortment of words for sale.” This becomes: “Mila and Tack wandered up and dawn the aisles laacking at the wanderful assartment af wards far sale.”
- Bake a warm apple tart, scrape it into your shoes, and walk in them until you get a blister
- Cry softly into your pillow until you get a pillow rash
- Eat ice cream out of an upturned hat
- Write a formal letter to your Congressperson and ask them about their day
- Write someone else’s name on your underwear so it feels like you have a secret
Lately, there have been weird things happening to me. First, the stomach aches. These aren't the oh-shirts-I've-got-the-squirts kind. No, they're more of the weird, twisted feelings, as if someone is making a pretzel out of your guts.
Second, the random heart rate increase. One minute, I'm all normal. Then all of a sudden, BAM! I'm feeling like I just ran ten laps around the track.
Why are these things happening to me, Reid? How can I make them go away?
AnneWasHere, don’t fret—these are all normal, healthy sensations that you’re feeling. They will go away in their own time! All that you’re feeling right now is part of a beautiful stage of life on the path to adulthood. The upset stomach, the rapid heart beat, these are the beginning stages of what childhood developmental experts refer to as “molting.” This is the process in which you shed your exoskeleton.
You see, right now your body is too grown up for your childhood form, so you must discard your outer layer. But do be careful: during this time your exposed flesh will be vulnerable to the elements, so try to seek shelter in discarded shells, soda cans, or even old poptart boxes. In a few weeks you’ll have fully blossomed into your adult form, complete with claws, feelers, book lungs, and a shiny red thorax. Your parents told you that you were a lobster, right?
Although seriously, if that doesn’t stop, you should maybe see a doctor.
So I've got a question.
Why are all haunted houses old and ruined and dusty and icky like that? They're all so boring. Like,if I were a ghost I'd want to haunt a new mansion that comes in more colors than grey. Grey mansions are eww. So what's up with that?
Believe me, ghosts wish they could haunt a ritzy hotel, a colorful spa, or a nice Panera Bread franchise. Sadly though, like dogs, all ghosts are color blind. Everything is grey to them, even your fancier colors like turquoise or magenta. Also, a ghost’s main business strategy is scaring people, and that’s a lot more difficult to do in a well-decorated Panera Bread. The pastries dampen the scare. As a ghost, you have to be business minded like that.
Hey Reid, I have a question for you: Would you rather fight one horse-sized duck, or a hundred duck-sized horses? Thanks!
One horse-sized duck, on the condition that I could lose the fight so that no harm comes to the duck. I choose this simply so that a horse-sized duck exists. There are already lame, tiny versions of most animals, and all it does is make them worse. Tiny dogs? Tiny horses? Bite-size candy bars? These all kinda suck. I much prefer a giant version of something, so I can pretend at least for a second that we’re still in dinosaur times.
That concludes this week’s advice! If you have any questions, be sure to leave them in the comments and I’ll answer them next week.