How to Convince Your Co-Workers, Friends, and Family Members That You Are, In Fact, a Dinosaur
In the immortal words of Abraham Lincoln, “You can fool some of the people all of the time, and you can convince everyone else that you’re a dinosaur when it’s important.” What? He may have said that. Like you would know. Anyway, here's how to trick everybody into thinking you're a monstrous extinct beast.
Step 1. Choose a believable dinosaur to impersonate.
This is an important point. Unless you’re a 7-foot-tall wrestler, you aren’t going to have much success portraying the mighty Tyrannosaurus Rex. If you’re a small, pitiful, and vulnerable Hobbit-like female (like me), you may want to choose something more suited to your disposition and body type. Like a Phosphatherium, which was a very tiny and pathetic elephant-thing. Or, a prehistoric fern!
2. Research your chosen dinosaur.
Does your dinosaur produce a thunderous roar or a dolphin-like squeal? Does it fly, swim, walk, slither, or dazedly totter about? Could a human hypothetically pet it without loss of limb or is it a terrifying carnivore (with a secret heart of gold)? These are all important questions if you expect to pull your disguise off convincingly. Refer to the below chart to determine your method of mobility:
Step 3. Test your dinosaur on small children.
Step 4. COMMIT.
I don’t want to see any wishy-washy half-dinosaurs. You either get down on all fours and belt out that triceratops call, or you go back to your desk job and spend your life stapling and sorting folders. If you are asked your name, your reply will be a deafening, “ROAAAAAAAR.” If you get thirsty, you find your way to a watering hole and lap it up like a proper dinosaur. If you get hungry, stalk your classmates and pick them off, one by one, until they’ve lost all hope and their only recourse is to shiver behind trash cans and potted plants, praying you don’t find them and wishing that they’d told their mothers they loved them just one last time.
This is the life you live now, my Jurassic friend.
We're a prehistoric fern at best. Have you convinced your entire social circle that you're a dino yet?
PS. Don't forget to check out Megan's HILARIOUS AND EPIC blog right here!