I love the holiday season. Other than the frustrating incongruity of the song Little Drummer Boy (hey, if you don’t have a “gift to bring” don’t sing about it! Pa-Rum-Pa-Pum-DUH!), it’s the greatest season of the year. To honor it properly, I’ve assembled the five greatest holiday classics from Netflix; these movies will have you saying "Ho Ho Mo," as in “Mo movies please!”
Hmm. I’ve finally done it. The worst arrangement of words in the history of the Internet. Let’s all really quickly Men in Black our brains and forget that ever happened.
Sadly, these titles are not available on Netflix Insta-View. If you're at a loss for how to spend the one-to-two-day delivery wait period, you always have the entire One Tree Hill series available to you. That’s like a billion dollar value. Bah-FUN-Bug.
Few lines evoke more pity than the iconic “You'll shoot your eye out, kid." Perhaps the phrase “If you were the last man on earth I’d demand a recount" is a close second, but that’s more from real life dating experience and less from a classic Christmas movie. This movie might appear higher on the list if it didn’t run for 24 consecutive hours during the holiday season. Listen TBS, if you want me to watch a movie 12 straight times, it better have something to do with a robotic dog that fights crime.
Sometimes a classic maintains it status as a classic based on nostalgia. Chucky Brown’s Christmas Jam-Bam (which is what the movie would be titled if it were made today) maintains its cult-like popularity from generational word of mouth. For example, if multiple people repeatedly told you the Julia Stiles/Heath Ledger cinematic masterpiece 10 Things I Hate About You was the greatest movie ever made, you’d actually start to think, “Hmm, maybe 10 Things I Hate About You is the greatest movie ever made." Bad example though, because 10 Things I Hate About You is the greatest movie ever made.
Inspirational side not: at some point in life, we all play the role of Charlie Brown and invariably become entangled with a Lucy. Oh Lucy, you are the absolute worst. You probably grew up to become the type of girl who spends her entire first date subtly "humble-bragging" about the time she defeated Alec Baldwin in a game of strip mini-golf. Hey, fake adult Lucy, I'm thinking of buying a motorcycle, but you don't hear me going to brag-town about it.
3. Home Alone
“I made my family disappear.” We’ve all been there, AM I RIGHT? *Maniacal laugh* *Falls off chair* *Curses chair* Takes a nap* *And I’m back*
This feel-good holiday tale about reckless parenting and attempted child murder has caused many a parent to furiously shake their fist at the sky after being besmuckled in the face by a brick that their child placed on top of their bedroom door as a safeguard against terrifying vandals. “But what if a burglar tries to steal me?” said a teary-eyed 10-year-old me as my father angrily de-boobytrapped my bedroom. “Let him,” replied my father, without even the slightest trace of irony. Oh, memories.
Yes, I did in fact create the word “besmuckled.” You're welcome, English Language.
Elf's a relatively new member of the exclusive Holiday Classics club, but I think it's fair to say that pound for pound, it's the funniest movie on the list. Actually, that's not fair to say. Movies are neither Olympic Wrestlers nor pieces of lunch meat, so weight is superfluous. Get your act together, Kid Dynamite. Also, stop referring to yourself as “Kid Dynamite,” Josh.
Elf's box office success and remarkable rewatchability are all due to the comedic brilliance of William "Slick Willy" Ferrell. He is Buddy the Elf. Can you imagine the movie Elf with Denzel Washington, Ben Affleck, or that E-Trade baby? Watchable? Yes. Holiday classic? No.
1. It’s a Wonderful Life
It’s a Wonderful Life may not be the funniest or most quotable movie on this list, but when I think of Christmas movies, I think of It’s a Wonderful Life. Now granted, that description is similar to describing my future wife as “Not the prettiest, not the funniest, but heck, I married the old girl.” My future wife is one unlucky lady, but hey, when you get married in an abandoned Radio Shack because you spent all your wedding money hiring former (and hopefully current?) Boy Meets World actor Rider Strong to officiate the ceremony, you’re not setting the marriage bar all that high. Also, don’t call women “old girl.” It makes it sound like you’re talking about a horse.
“'It’s a Wonderful Life'? More like 'It's a Wonderful Movie,'” said the worst movie reviewer in 1946. But honestly, it is an amazing movie, so (Carly Rae Jepsen voice) “Watch it, Maybe, or Watch it... Definitely,” said the worst movie reviewer in 2012. Me.
Which holiday movies did we miss? Is anything funnier than this? Raise your hand if you've ever answered the phone, "Buddy the Elf, what's your favorite color?"