How to Go Blonde Like a Champion
Were you born with beautiful blonde hair? Ugh, me neither. And it's not fair! Which is why it's so nice that, thanks to the miracles of modern technology (also known as "a buttload of bleach and a couple hours of spare time"), the piddling whims of nature need not stop any of us from having the hair of our collective dreams. And if you're thinking of lightening things up on top of your own head, SparkLife supports you. Dream big, brownies! DREAM BIG. But before you go blonde, make sure you get educated: for best results, you must first familiarize yourself with the all-important emotional process of Bottle Blonding.
STAGE ONE: ASPIRATION
Begin to imagine yourself as a blonde. Upload your photo to a virtual makeover site to see what you'd look like with blonde hair. Casually introduce the idea of blondness in conversations with your friends, using such ice-breaking statements as, "Do you think blondes really have more fun?" and, "If golden retrievers were people, they would be SO PRETTY."
STAGE TWO: DELUSION
Begin to have vivid dreams about salon visits and hair dye. Wake up convinced that you've already taken the plunge. Feel strangely distressed when you wander past the bathroom mirror and realize that it wasn't real.
STAGE THREE: INTENT
Make the appointment. State your intentions to the receptionist. Make a small but audible shrieking noise when she informs you that the process can take up to four hours. When she asks, "What was that?," tell her you accidentally stepped on a pig.
STAGE FOUR: RESEARCH
Read articles about the different types of blondes. Take magazine quizzes with titles such as "So you wanna go blonde!" and "What's your true hair identity?". Call your mother in the middle of the night to ask whether your skin has red or blue undertones; when she tells you she doesn't know, accuse her of never really loving you.
STAGE FIVE: DOUBT
It's not too late to back out, you know. What's so bad about your current hair color, anyway? Who the hell do you think you are, messing with nature like this?! What's next, BUTT IMPLANTS?!!! You should be ashamed of yourself.
STAGE SIX: ACTION
Arrive at the salon. Nod mutely when the stylist says, "So, I hear we're going blonde!" Pick your desired shade from a color wheel made of disembodied hair. Watch in saucer-eyed silence as the world's stinkiest mixture is applied to your head with a miniature paintbrush.
STAGE SEVEN: DOUBT, REVISITED
It's not too late to back out, you... wait, no, it is. Your hair is already changing color. OHMIGOD, YOUR HAIR IS ALREADY CHANGING COLOR.
STAGE EIGHT: AGONY
Your scalp is tingling. Your scalp is on fire. Your scalp is about to detach itself, skip down the length of your shoulder, and go scooting across the floor like an otter doing a belly slide. Gratefully accept the offer of a magazine to distract you from the pain. Read the same sentence ("Our expert estimates that each of Kim Kardashians butt cheeks weighs at least ten pounds!") thirty times over while trying not to whimper.
STAGE TEN: DETAILS
Spend ten minutes being shuffled from the sink to the chair and back while the stylist glazes and tones your hair. You don't care. You can no longer feel your scalp.
STAGE ELEVEN: THE FIRST LOOK
Behold your new hair for the first time. Try to picture what it'll look like when it's not slicked back and soaking wet. Try to ignore how much you look like Draco Malfoy. Try to stop yourself from muttering, "Filthy little Mudblood!" under your breath while they blow it dry. Fail. Miserably.
STAGE TWELVE: YOU ARE BLONDE
You did it! Go home! Take pictures! Enjoy the squeals of delight from everyone you know when they see you for the first time! And whatever you do, do not stop to think about how hard it is to tell the difference between squeals of delight and shrieks of horror! Oh, and of course, post pictures on the internet so that everyone can tell you whether they hate it or not.
What do you think, you filthy little Mudbloods? Have you ever made a drastic hair color change? Do you want to?