All the things to make your day happy, in one easy to print out and frame list!
1. You may not have won last night’s Powerball jackpot, but you can still become a millionaire simply by working hard and/or inventing breakfast Doritos.
2. Bacon shaving cream! What sounds like a bad college band may actually be the dumbest/best product for eliminating body hair.
3. Joke Your Dad Will Probably Enjoy: What kind of key should you use to lock a stable? A don-key!
4. Take off your sweater and drop out of school! The flu has nothing to do with cold weather and has more to do with kids sharing germs in school.
5. Let’s get rid of the dollar bill and use dollar coins! Dollar coins are like pirate doubloons and make buying things more treasure-y.
6. Word of the Day: Macabre. Definition: Gruesome, relating to death, nightmarish. Example: Lisa had never killed a turtle with her mouth before, but after that cold, macabre night trapped in the orchestra pit, her life was forever changed.
7. What this caterpillar lacks in intelligence, he makes up for with determination. Warning: Video may frustrate you and make you yell, “Just walk down the side, you idiot!”
8. Don’t get butt implants. There’s a video going around showing the horrible, not safe for eyes, aftermath of a botched butt implant. Don’t get butt implants. No one needs butt implants. If you want a rounder butt, you’re better off stuffing pizza dough in your jeans. That’s what I do.
9. The amount you care about the cast of Two and Half Men should always be equal to the amount you care about the Num Lock key of a keyboard. Both are equally interesting and funny.
10. The Boy Meets World spin-off won’t feature Rider Strong (who played Shawn). Hmm. Maybe Hollywood didn’t like my fan-fiction screenplay, Cory and Shawn vs. Saved By The Bell. (BTW: Saved By The Bell wins. And the movie takes place during a field trip to Jurassic Park. I’ll be waiting for your call, Hollywood.)
11. To those who makes delicious-looking treats for dogs, please stop. Dogs don’t care about food presentation and you’re just upsetting my confused stomach.
12. Update your wrist! Here’s a cool design for a laser watch.
13. Be glad you don’t live in opposite land, where every holiday season, trees chop off people’s feet, decorate the slowly dying bodies with lights, and then throw them away after a month.
14. Make coal and eat it!
15. Dog of the Day: Dandie Dinmont Terrier, as suggested yesterday by the_lol_chick. Dan-D Dinmont was also my rap name in college.
16. The Oscar race is heating up! Don’t you just loathe that sentence? It’s not an actual race. It’s not like the movies can suddenly get better. “Lincoln was a pretty good movie last week, but this week it was even more historic and had much better acting!”
17. Happy Birthday Lindsay Lohan! (Not sure if it’s really her birthday, but why else would she be in all of the day’s gossip headlines?)
18. Seriously, did you win the Powerball jackpot? If so, I wear a size XL boat.
19. This 15-year-old inventor is already impressing the folks at MIT. Suddenly the paper clip belly chain I invented when I was 15 is somewhat less impressive.
20. There are only 390 shopping days until Christmas 2013!
21. Have leftovers for dinner! If you don’t have leftovers, just have right-unders.
22. Kate Middleton now has bangs! If you’re wondering where the term “bangs” came from, keep wondering. The internet doesn’t seem to know for sure. It might be a slang form of "bangtail," which is a horse with a short tail. Bring this up during Christmas dinner and everyone will nod politely.
23. Reason to shrug. Tired of 3D chalk art? Me too. Not even Batman-themed 3D chalk art is interesting. Can someone start making 3D chalk art that’s electrical or magnet...or something?
24. A police officer helps a homeless man and suddenly human beings don’t seem so horrible. This story is like "The Christmas Shoes," but good.
25. Quick Poll: