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Why Your Ex May Be Ignoring You

Why Your Ex May Be Ignoring You

By reidfaylor

FROM: LadyPegaSister

Reid, Why does my ex think that I'm thin air? Every time I pass him in the halls or say "hi: to him or say a French or Italian term whenever he's walking super slow in the halls and I have to push him into the closest blunt object, he always acts like I don't exist and is like "I totally just fell into that wall that was six feet away! Weird!" Why does he think I'm wearing an invisibility cloak?):

There are a couple of plausible explanations for this.

FIRST, the probably true, realistic explanation:

How recent did you break up? It could very well be that while you’ve been able to move on and feel comfortable with him outside of a romantic relationship, he’s not. I’m not saying that he still loves you, and thinks about you every night, and writes your name in all his notebooks and cries (though this is a possibility), but it could be that he needs some time to establish his life without you again. Sometimes guy needs a couple months to get over things and figure out their new situation depending on how serious you were. Of course, he could also be a jerk.

SECOND, the way better, clearly most realistic, but totally makes any kisses and makeouts you guys shared incredibly weird explanation:

Your ex boyfriend is actually your father in the future. Have you seen Back to the Future? I hope you have. I hope you all have. If you recall, Marty McFly went back in time and accidentally made his mother fall in love with him. The more she preferred Marty to his real father, the less likely it was that Marty would ever exist, so he began to literally disappear by slowly turning invisible. Perhaps, and by “perhaps” I mean “this is absolutely true like FOR REAL,” your ex is actually your father in the future, and by fostering any kind of relationship with him you’re in reality endangering your own existence. He ignores you and doesn’t see you? This is because you’re actually becoming transparent! Of course, for this to be true, you would have to be a time traveler from the future. Ask yourself: Have I traveled through time recently? Are you sure? Are you really sure? Help him find your mother and hook them up before it’s too late!

FROM: the_lol_ chick

Hello again Reid.
I was just wondering, how do you get free money besides the obvious ways (robbing someone/something; counterfiting; ect)? I'm broke, but don't feel like getting a job and would like to leagally get paid for doing nothing. Thanks!
Warmest Regards,
the_lol_chick

You, ma’am, have a beautiful dream here. And of course, I do have a solution, it may even be one with which you’re very familiar: hit your head with a hammer. Believe it or not, but the United States government actually provides funds for the physically impaired, even people impaired by blunt head trauma caused by hammers. However, for those of us (not many, but there are some) who do not wish to self-inflict permanent brain damage, the government provides literally no other alternative to make money. It’s unreasonable! It’s almost like they expect us to toil for money through private businesses in exchange for funds, but if there was a term for whatever this is I’ve never heard of it. Thankfully, there is an alternative: secede from the Union. The quickest way to make free, legal money is to decide for yourself what is money and what is legal. If you’re no longer a citizen of the United States, you’re free to devise your own government and set your own rules on what money is and who gets it. Money doesn’t even have to be a physical object! Your currency could be nice words and smooth, sensual whistles, which I get anyway every time I walk by a construction site. We could be millionaires!

FROM: rainbowunillama

boo!! reid, my hands are freezing, but the rest of me is fine. why be that? oh, and why are venetian blinds called venetian?(i dont think i spelled that right.)

Those blinds are actually called “venison,” because they were originally crafted out of deer meat. This is where the phrase “the harsh light of morning through deer meat” comes from.

As for your hand query, of course your hands are cold! No blood’s circulated through those parts for a long time now. Didn’t you know? Those hands have been dead for fifty years! (Cue spooky music)

FROM: Caracupcakes

I want to drink Lemonade. I have no lemons. What should I do, Reid?!

If life gives you lemons, make lemonade. If life doesn’t give you lemons, you aren’t living a lemon enough life. You need to live life to the lemonest. Carpe citrum diem. Try very hard to live a life deserving of lemons. How do you get this sweet lemon juice into your life? Concentrate.

That concludes this week’s advice. If you have any questions that could use some sound, perfectly realistic advice, leave them in the comments and I’ll answer them next week.

Topics: Life
Tags: sparklers, money, advice, exes, bad advice, reidfaylor gives you bad advice

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About the Author
reidfaylor

Reid Faylor is a stand-up comedian, cartoonist, writer, and whimsically bearded gentleman living in New York City. He owns a cat named Mr. President. You can follow his tumblr at reidfaylor.tumblr.com.

Wanna contact a writer or editor? Email contribute@sparknotes.com.