Some people are upset that Guess Who has too few women on the gameboard, and that of the women that are on the board, babes in berets (Maria), patrician gallery owners (Susan), ambiguously non-white divas (Anne, “snap!”) and young-Tara-Reids (Anita) are over-represented. Frankly, we’re not concerned, as there are more than enough damning caricatures of bald, glum, scheming men (we’re looking at you, Richard, George and Bernard—if that is your real name) to offset the sexism.
Our real problem with Guess Who is simply that it’s outdated. Floral hats? Rosacea? Members of The Band? What is it, 1992? Apparently no one told Hasbro about animal beanies, Photoshopping, or Mumford & Sons, all of which have triumphed during 2012, despite being foreseen neither by 2001: A Space Odyssey nor The Jetsons.
So, what should the Guess Who characters look like today, if Hasbro were to present a credible cross-section of the bubbling cultural crockpot that is our global village? Here is what we would expect...
- The only person with Nair-colored skin should be Photoshopped-approximation-of-Britney-Spears.
- The savvy player will begin by asking “Does your character have negative gauge earrings/a plaid shirt/Buddy Holly glasses?” This will knock out 50% of the game-board immediately.
- To further disambiguate a population of Buddy Holly glasses-wearers, players must isolate those with animal print wayfarers and those with fake prescription lenses.
- “Does your character have her dyed ombre?” Should be the question you need to knock out Anita.
- The game will arguably take a lot longer due to the self-marginalization of characters that each claim to be “out of the mainstream” and object to categorization that pits them alongside others.
- “Is your character’s facial hair earnest or ironic?” could similarly prove a contentious line of questioning.
- We expect an overhaul of character names, such that we finally have Hilarys, Apples, Madisons, Leafs, and Chivasanas in the mix.
- All characters under 25 will live at home.
- There will be a complex and storied history of interdating between all of the game-board characters.
- Claire will be given a makeover by Anne and emerge as a scorching hot prom queen once her glasses are removed and she shakes her luscious hair out from underneath the captive prism of her Panama straw boater hat.
- “OMG, did you see the final Twilight?” does not count as a first question.
What else would be on the modern Guess Who board?