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Signs You Are NOT Ready For The Grownup Table At Thanksgiving

Signs You Are NOT Ready For The Grownup Table At Thanksgiving

By Danielle Kraese

Thanksgiving dinner has long been a tradition that separates the boys from the men and the girls from the women—at least when it comes to matters of seating. Unfortunately, scoring a seat at the grownup table is a privilege only bestowed upon those who have proven themselves worthy candidates. Here are some signs that you’re not quite ready to graduate from sitting at a knee-high table with flimsy plastic chairs that barely offer enough room for one butt cheek.

-You sport a bib during dinner, and you’re not eating lobster.

-You break out into maniacal laughter when your dad comments on the tenderness of the turkey breast.

-Last year, you crawled under the table during dinner and tied your 6-year-old cousin’s shoelaces together.

-The year before that, you crawled under the table during dinner and tied your 86-year-old grandmother’s shoelaces together.

-You’re unable to suppress your laughter when your Great Aunt Delores gets a residue of mashed potatoes in her mustache.

- 50 percent of your plate is comprised of sweet potatoes; the other 50 percent is comprised of marshmallows you scrapped off the top of the sweet potatoes.

-Your mom still forces you to fill your plate with veggies, and when no one is looking, you dump them into the heirloom antique vase on the floor next to the table.

-You like to fashion the mashed potatoes and gravy on your plate into a makeshift volcano that threatens to destroy the neighboring village of yellow corn and green beans, and you narrate the catastrophe using slurping sound effects and a faux British accent.

-When it’s your turn in the tradition of going around the table and sharing what you’re thankful for, you solemnly recite the chorus to Alanis Morissette’s Thank U.

-When other family members go around the table sharing what they’re thankful for, you discreetly lick the palms of your hands and use them to make crude farting sounds.

-By the end of the meal, you have a collage of the table’s offerings on your shirt, on your pants, in your hair, and there’s even a little bit inside your socks.

Are YOU ready for the grownup table? We thought we were, but then we read this and got SUPER excited to do the mashed potato volcano.

Topics: Life
Tags: kids, thanksgiving, growing up, funny things, adults

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About the Author
Danielle Kraese

Danielle writes, performs improv, and loiters in Starbucks locations in and around New York City. When she grows up, she wants to be an author or an elephant whisperer. Or maybe both. Follow her on Twitter @DanielleKraese.

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