What could possibly be the 25 reasons to celebrate on the busiest travel day of the year? Behold!
1. Traveling sucks, but at least we have cars, trains, secret teleporters that we don’t tell stupid people about because they’d just get chocolate on them, and airplanes.
2. Terry Pratchett may need to give up writing due to health concerns, but he’s named his daughter Rhianna as his replacement to continue the Discworld novels. You just teared up a little, didn’t you?
3. You’re about to have a four-day weekend...unless you have to work or go to school on Friday. But if you have to work or learn on the Friday after Thanksgiving, call the police because that sounds illegal.
4. It’s Carly Rae Jepsen’s birthday. Let’s all call her and when she picks up, say, “Maybe? Is that you, girl?” Someone should have her number. She gives it out freely.
5. Pie! Pie! Pie! Pie! Pie! Pie! Eat it.
6. Travel Game: When stuck in traffic today, here’s a fun game for the whole family. See how many words you can make using the letters from the chemical “TETRAMETHYLDIAMINOBENZHYDRYLPHOSPHINOUS ACID.” Words must be longer than two letters. Good luck!
7. On this date in 1877, Thomas Edison announced the invention of the phonograph. “Pff. Whatever. That’s lame. Hate it,” said the haters. Because that’s what haters do.
8. It’s Purple Wednesday! (Note: Purple Wednesday was just invented by SparkNotes, though we’re really trying to have it catch on. It’s like Black Friday but instead of shopping, you write lists of silly things and eat peanuts as you wait for work to end.)
9. Mayor Cory Booker of Newark will be living on food stamps to prove a point he made on Twitter. As a child, I thought food stamps were edible stamps. I was an idiot and I apologize.
10. The Visible Gummi! Check out what a gummi bear would look like if it were a real bear. Look at his paw bones! Adorable.
11. A design student made this gadget that pops popcorn one kernel at a time. Why? Because you were, apparently, too busy to do it yourself. Jerk.
12. Travel Game 2: Tie your hair in all kinds of knots and then try to untie it before you get to your destination.
13. Please, please, please let this winter hat trend catch on.
14. The Macy’s Thanksgiving Day Parade is tomorrow. Big balloons make everything better, even marching.
15. Scare younger relatives by saying the parade balloons are filled with the ghosts of bad children.
16. Fancy dinner tomorrow! If you’re in charge of setting the table, here’s a helpful way to remember where the utensils go: It doesn’t freaking matter! Can we stop this nonsense about spoons with the knives? Who cares? Just eat!
17. Travel Game 3: Try to give people in the car next to yours the hiccups using only your mind power. (Also, you have mind power. I wanted to wait to tell you until you were old enough to handle the great power and responsibility.)
18. It was all a dream! Last night I had a dream that someone stole my aquarium. When I woke up, there was no aquarium in my house. Then I remembered I don’t own an aquarium.
19. Thanksgiving episodes of old shows are on TV today and tomorrow. What’s your favorite? I always like The Cosby Show episode where Cliff has to go out in the rain to get nutmeg.
20. Weather Report: Things are calm, so if moisture lands on your shoulder, it’s not rain.
22. During this hectic time of rushing around and shopping, let’s take time to appreciate each other during a very awkward, uncomfortable moment of silence.
23. You were thinking about someone else during that moment of silence, weren’t you? WEREN’T YOU?!?!
24. Be safe! There are 87 kabillion people traveling today. Now is not the time to see what it feels like to steer with your teeth.
25. Quick Poll!