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Auntie SparkNotes: Why Do I Want To HND All The Time?

Auntie SparkNotes: Why Do I Want To HND All The Time?

Dear Auntie Sparknotes,

I'm a teenage girl, never been kissed or in a relationship. My first issue is that I really, really want to have sex. Like, I think about it ALL THE TIME. It's unhealthy. The weird thing is that I'm a really shy, awkward girl, good grades, common sense, so why do I think about it and want it so much? My other issue is that the reason I haven't had a relationship is because I only ever develop crushes on arrogant a**holes who I know are stupid idiots but, well, they're really cute.

I usually get asked out by the emotional kind of guy, hipsters and nerds and such, but I can't stand them treating me nicely and sharing their emotions with me. One guy even showed me his poems and said he cried every night, which basically terrified me. I'm honestly beginning to think I'm insane. Why do I want to go out with a**holes rather than nice, sensitive guys, and why do I think about sex so much?!

So, let me get this straight: you're asking me why, given the options, you'd rather crush on the confident, cocky alpha males with really cute faces, instead of the saddest poetry-writing panda whose favorite weeknight hobby is crying himself to sleep?


And darling, let me be the first to assure you: your issues are nothing to be freaked out about, and your level of sexual interest is natural, normal, and healthy. Dude, you're horny. It happens! And believe it or not, it happens to everyone, in some degree, regardless of whether or not they're shy or smart or get good grades. Wanting to have sex isn't just for dummies and douchebags, and your status as an awkward shy girl has exactly nothing to do with the relative red-hot-burning-ness of your loins. Your sex drive is a natural biological function, like hunger, that exists utterly independently of your GPA. And if yours is really ragin', and you're constantly thinking about and desiring sex to the point of distraction, then the obvious solution is to go ahead and have sex.

With yourself.

No, really. This is the perfect time for you to get acquainted with the idea of, er, taking matters into your own hands. Not just because you'll have fun in the process, but because you'll learn how to channel your desires in a way that's healthy and satisfying—and that'll give you a head start on being comfortable and familiar with your body whenever you do become sexually active. (If you're not sure how to go about it, you can either check out our earlier post on the topic, or head over to the excellent Scarleteen for lots of in-depth and interesting info on your anatomical hot buttons. Have fun!)

And as for your taste in dudes... well, sure, I might be concerned if you were actively seeking out boyfriends who treated you like dirt. But at the same time, you're hardly alone in your preference for crushing on an arrogant hottie from afar, as compared with getting up close and personal with a crying pile of feelings. And when you're ready for a relationship, no doubt you'll look for a guy who's got a brain to back up his pretty face. But even then, don't be shocked if the emotional basket case with a penchant for poetry and crying sends you running in the other direction—because hey, the heart wants what the heart wants. And sometimes, the heart wants an all-American bro with nice hair, a shapely butt, and a pillow not stained with tears.

Does this sound familiar to you? Share your raging hormones in the comments! And to get advice from Auntie, email her at

Topics: Advice
Tags: auntie sparknotes, crushes, advice, jerks, hnd, diy hnd

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About the Author

Kat Rosenfield is a writer, illustrator, advice columnist, YA author, and enthusiastic licker of that plastic liner that comes inside a box of Cheez-Its. She loves zombies and cats. She hates zombie cats. Follow her on Twitter or Tumblr @katrosenfield.

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