The American Music Awards ceremony is to the Grammy Awards as Election Tuesday is to how president's are ACTUALLY chosen in America—i.e., the former is a dazzling expression of populist democracy, the latter an infallible decree made in the foggy recesses of a nameless forest by our cloaked overlords of the global Illuminati, Masonic clergy, and Jay-Z's daughter.
Last night the 40th annual American Music Award show presented—in blood-barfingly spectacular laser-light-show-o-vision—the results of months of voting, downloading, and social media-ing that would decide this year's most popular musicians in America. The results were mostly unremarkable. Nicki Minaj swept the Favorite Hip-Hop awards (for the second year in a row), Usher ushed the R&B category (for the third year in a row), and Linkin Park won their fifth Favorite Alternative Rock Artist statue since 2003, proving at last that the word "alternative" is truly meaningless.
But the highlight of the evening—and the single moment that actually affects our lives as global citizens—occurred when Justin Bieber rose above Drake, Maroon 5, Katy Perry, and Rihanna to be officially crowned Artist of The Year for his second non-consecutive term.
Again, no real surprise. The newly-single swag engine has been busting his baseball cap all year in promotion of the Timberlakeified Believe LP, rivaled only perhaps by One Direction in heartthrobitude (and they don't even have names). The shocker comes when we examine the recent history of AMA winners, and what that inevitably means for our future as American listeners…
2009 AMA Artist of The Year: Taylor Swift
2010 AMA Artist of The Year: Justin Bieber
2011 AMA Artist of The Year: Taylor Swift
2012 AMA Artist of The Year: Justin Bieber
Four years—that's one whole presidency of the J-Biebs/ T-Swiffle ticket elected to power by American voters. In our minds, the future is clear...
Bieber/Swift for president.
Think about it. Is anyone more qualified to deliver a steady stream of horrible news to a global audience than these jet-setting cute-mongers? These two kids have accumulated more wealth, more power and more media command for themselves in their combined 40 years on Earth than most COUNTRIES have in twice the time. And look—Biebs ALREADY has more Twitter followers than Barack Obama (30 million to B-Rock's 23 million). Add in Taylor's 20 million and brace yourselves for the blonde revolution.
True, there will be some obstacles. T-Swizzle should start distancing herself right now from that Red album (sounds a little communist, eh?). And then there's that little hiccup about neither candidate being 35 years old yet, and Biebs not technically being an American citizen. But, hey—by the time the Bieber/Swift powerhouse comes of age, so will all of their fans. And, people, can't we bend the constitution just a tad for the kid who gave the world "Baby"? Lord knows it's less of an affront to human decency than stealth predator drone attacks. Probably.
The people have already spoken, four years in a row. We, for one, welcome our new regime of unyielding swag, and want to be the first to throw our names into the highly lucrative altruistic campaign adviser ring. Look! We already came up with these catchy campaign slogans for you:
Bieber/Swift '32: HOPE ( you're free on Friday night ;] )
Bieber/Swift '32: If we waz your gov'ment, we'd never let you go
Bieber/Swift '32: Can't America ever (ever, ever) get back together?
Bieber/Swift '32: Putting "swag" back in "Pascal's wager"
(that one's for Christian voters…we're still workshopping it)
Bieber/Swift '32: Shut up and stare at these bangs
Bieber/Swift '32: Swag Swag Swag Swag Swag Swag Swag Swag Swag Swag Swag Swag Swag Swag Swag Swag Swag...
As you can see, we've given this a lot of thought. More thought than most narrow-minded Americans with "jobs" and "families" and "reasons not to think about popstars all day." So, in conclusion, Biebs: Call us in 17 years.
Sparklers: Vote early. Vote often. Vote Swag Party.
Did you watch the AMAs?
Do you think Justin Bieber is the best Artist of 2012?
Could a pop star win the presidency in our lifetime?
IS the president just a well-groomed pop star?
Would you vote Bieber?
Would you vote T-Swift?
Which slogans did we miss?
complete list of 2012 AMA winners and nominees here