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Five Weirdos You'll Spot Shopping on Black Friday

Five Weirdos You'll Spot Shopping on Black Friday

When shopping on the busiest day of the year, you are bound to come across some strange folks. You’ll no doubt encounter pushy salespeople, shoppers pushing you aside in Wal-Mart, and people who don’t know the right way to push a cart. As they say, the freaks come out to play at the mall that Friday—after all, why do you think The National Retail Federation gave the day such a dark, scary nickname? Here are the five nutjobs you'll encounter on Black Friday:

The Sleeper: While you and your mom head to this department store to check out the sick sale they're having on Maytag appliances, you come across a woman whose eyes appear to be half shut as she stands in line. She is mumbling about deals: “Save fifty percent on every pair of socks…our flat screen TVs are just $100 (after rebate)…” She is in a dream-like trance. Clearly, she’s been shopping since Thursday evening, and now that it’s Friday, she’s officially exhausted. She takes “shop till you drop” to a whole new level.

The Brady Bunch: See what weird family smiling and buying four matching reindeer sweaters? No, that’s not some sort of bizarre holiday mirage; this family actually enjoys each other’s company so much that even BF shopping can’t dampen their holiday spirit, joy, and love for each other. We’ll excuse you now as you run to the mall bathroom for a quick barf.

The Oblivious Lady: Old Orchard is at the forefront of malls in the Chicagoland area, full of stores that you want to hit up for the holidays: Nordstrom, Macy’s, the Apple store; you name it, they’ve got it. That’s why this place is a death trap come Black Friday, and only the brave (and frugal) venture to this crowded hellhole to make purchases. However, each year there is someone who didn’t get the memo—some busy businesswoman who hardly ever has time to shop, and sees her day off from work as a chance to return a Gap sweater that doesn’t fit. As the line creeps slowly up to the register, her jaw drops. She tries to make friendly conversation with those near her about how she’s never seen anything like this—but no one engages with her because they are thinking, “Lady, it’s Black Friday! What did you expect?”

The Grump: Sure, when you’re crowded into a small space and have to wait twice as long in line as it took you to shop, you can feel a bit aggravated. But is that any excuse to be vile to people? We don’t think so, but you’re sure to see some lady with badly drawn eyebrows on her forehead, talking down to the salespeople at the store. She will demand they honor her expired coupon in addition to the 40%-off-everything BF special. She will talk down and really slow to the salespeople, like they don’t understand English. She will tell them she has never seen such stupidity in her life. You will want to tell her the same, but won’t get involved.

The Smartypants: See that girl all snuggled up in the coffee shop, sipping a nice warm drink? She too is shopping, but from the comfort of her chair, and while sipping a venti holiday drink that tastes exactly like Christmas. Jealous much? Maybe you should head home and join her in some online shopping.

What other weirdos will you see? How about someone dressed in a Santa suit (who's not employed by the mall)? Let us know what you anticipate for Black Friday!

Topics: Life
Tags: holidays, shopping, christmas, thanksgiving, black friday

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About the Author

Sissy is a woman/girl who lives, works and eats too much popcorn on the north side of Chicago. Bet you couldn't guess that her real name is actually not Sissy, but it's what her family likes to call her by. Also, She's loud and is very glad you can't hear her.

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