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The Pros and Cons of Being Bieber's Next GF

The Pros and Cons of Being Bieber's Next GF

Pull out your tissues, Sparklers, because with 100% of precincts reporting, we can officially call it: Justlena Biebomez is no more.

Yes, the too-cute-to-cut-it celebrity couple, who enjoyed a two-year-run together in their open relationship with the global paparazzi, officially announced they were through this weekend. Breakups are the worst, and in the unfortunate case of high-profile lovers like these we can only imagine the whirlwind of tabloid blogger turds rampaging straight toward both Biebs and Selena, decimating defenseless Midwestern villages in its empty wake.

But, like so many painstakingly bleached tips, this disaster has a silver lining.

Justin is single now.

Before you or your siblings go somersaulting cross-country to submit your GF audition tape directly into Justin's dainty Canadian hands, we all need to cool our jets and think about the price of fame for a hot minute. Would dating someone as wealthy, famous, well-dressed, well-connected, and generally swagtastic as Justin Bieber be a good decision? Who cares. Money.

But in an effort to be good role models, we at the SparkLife Viral Romance Analysis lab have compiled the following list of PROS and CONS for being Bieber's next girl. We've done our part. The rest is up to you, girl (swag).

If Biebs was YOUR boyfriend...

CON
He'd never let you go

PRO
He could take you places you ain't never been befo'

PRO
Summers in Canada

CON
Winters in paranoid despair

PRO
You will earn an adorable hybrid nickname, e.g.  "Justephanie," "Biebstina," "Swagriella"

CON
If he pukes on you mid-kiss, you must keep cool while the backing track keeps playing

PRO
Want some unbiased criticism about your "bikini bod" from trusted tabloid journalists? Now you're covered. (Forever.)

CON
Prepare for twelve lifetimes of answering the question, "What was it like dating Justin Bieber?" in interviews with horrible Botox zombies.

PRO
There will be at least one bubblegum/stray hair shrine to you in someone's closet somewhere, so…check that off the ol' bucket list.

CON
Think it's annoying when your own mom writes "Cute!! <3 <3 <3" and stuff on your Facebook photos? Get ready to meet the ENTIRE INTERNET's moms.

PRO
You get to learn the forbidden Just-jutsu techniques to fight off rabid female fans.

CON
You must deal with Justin's chronic "sleep swagging," learn to calmly break his somnambulistic reveries as he half-consciously applies hair gel to his eyelashes at 3 AM.

PRO
You will be the butt of parody on SparkLife.

CON
You will be the butt of parody on EVERY WEBSITE.

PRO
You get to meet Kanye West in person.

CON
You must meet Kanye West in person.

PRO
73% chance you'll score a verse in a Carly Rae Jepsen song.

CON
84% chance Biebs will eventually write a bestselling breakup album about you and your ridiculous feet pajamas.

PRO
You can go on to pursue a career in ANYTHING YOU WANT.

CON
Provided it involves ruthless public spectacle.

PRO
Lotsa new Twitter followers :D

CON
But they don't truly love you :(

PRO
$$$$$$$$$$…$

CON
That awkward moment when Ludacris wont leave your boyfriend's hot tub.

PRO
You might make a Bieber baby ;)

CON
It's life will be an Orwellian nightmare.

Poll Question

Would you date Justin Bieber given the chance?


Did we miss anything? Tell us in the comments, girl
(swag) (swag)

Topics: Life
Tags: crushes, music, justin bieber, celebrity crushes

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About the Author
Brandon Specktor

For 22 years, Brandon was a fat kid living in Tucson, AZ, which gave him lots and lots of time to write. He now works at a magazine in New York City, but still loves writing almost as much as he loves muffins.

Wanna contact a writer or editor? Email contribute@sparknotes.com.