Ah, Thanksgiving: a guilt-free opportunity to scarf down 9 pieces of pie, sleep for 12 consecutive hours, and then go back for more pie. Most people spend the day surrounded by loved ones, but what if you had the opportunity to carve the non-proverbial turkey with some of your favorite fictional characters? Who would you choose? To answer this question, I’ve constructed the greatest (and possibly only) "Fantasy Pop Culture Thanksgiving Table" ever assembled. Let’s find out who made the cut!
The Punching Bag: Charlie Brown
Thanksgiving can be broken down into three equally important parts: Giving thanks, a hearty meal, and being mercilessly criticized by your loved ones. When tensions rise and repressed emotions escalate to dangerous levels, you’re going to need someone to serve as a criticism lightning rod. Charlie Brown is that person.
After all, this is the kid who evoked so much animosity that it galvanized a neighborhood into orchestrating a town-wide directive to ruin his Halloween by giving all of his friends candy while providing him with rocks. Good grief indeed. He'll definitely come in handy when your Aunt Elmore starts in on her yearly "every single one of you moon-faced morons is an insufferable disappointment" speech.
The Wild Card: The Great Gatsby
Is it too much to ask to have somebody in my life that will take me aside and say, "Don't worry Old Sport, that mashed potato burn is going to heal just fine"? Okay, honesty time: I really just want someone to call me Old Sport and maybe, time permitting, show me how to throw a perfect spiral. I'm not saying that I want the Great Gatsby to be my dad, but if he were my father, I have the perfect last line to the heartwarming eulogy I would have given in his honor: “He was a good father, but a Great Gatsby.” (Crowd erupts in applause and carries me out of the funeral parlor on their shoulders as the song Let’s Hear It for the Boy plays triumphantly in the background).
Honorable Mention: Teen Wolf
Nervous about awkward conversational pauses during dinner? Invite Teen Wolf. Nothing jump starts a conversation like the question, “So wait, sometimes you’re a wolf?”
The Love Interest: Juno
The perfect combination of intelligence, sass, and wit, Juno's the ideal sparring partner for that smug uncle who went to Cornell and lived in England for a summer. We get it, Uncle Worrel; they call french fries “chips” across the pond.
Despite what US Weekly headlines about possible Jennifer Aniston baby bumps would lead you to believe, women aren't perpetually pregnant, so I assume Juno's all clear on the baby front. Side note: Perpetually Pregnant sounds like an awful Jennifer Aniston movie I'd Netflix on a Saturday night after receiving a firm "no" as a response to a second date invite. Also, the second date would have been mini golf and I would have made a hilarious windmill joke, but now you’ll never hear it, SAMANTHA.
Honorable Mention: Claire Cleary from Wedding Crashers
Yes mom, I know my sisters are both married and gave you grandkids, but I'm dating the daughter of the US Secretary of Treasury! Ever heard of money? My girlfriend practically invented it! Sorry, I'll sit down. Yes, I'll pass the gravy boat. Yes, I'd love to hear a long story about a successful former classmate I don't remember.
The Crazy Uncle: Doc Brown from Back to the Future
Hey dad, Doc and I are going outside to toss the old football around... (under my breath) in the year 2238. If I arrive in 2238 and we STILL don't have flying cars, I'm officially boycotting science.
The Hilarious Curmudgeon: Oscar the Grouch
The two obvious counter-arguments for inviting Oscar to Thanksgiving are:
1. He’s an admitted grouch.
2. He literally lives in a container full of his own garbage.
Fair points. Oscar’s a bit of a wild card, but ordinary becomes extraordinary when you add a little bit of unpredictability into the mix. Sure, there’s a very good chance Oscar will make your younger sister Kaitlyn cry by referring to your other sister Sarah as “the pretty one,” but that’s just par for the grouch course.
The Cool Guy: Van Wilder
A lot of people tell me I look like Van Wilder. Not with their words, but I know they’re thinking it. They’re alllll thinking it. Ahem. Point is, every Thanksgiving meal needs a good-looking, charming dude to help keep the peace when tensions rise.
You’ll probably walk into the kitchen to find Van reading your cousin's palm while flirtatiously saying something that sounds cool but makes absolutely no sense, like: “Your love line is aggressively long. Looks like this tiger knows how to purrrr (makes sexy tiger noise while playfully bopping her nose).” It may not be fair, but beautiful people get away with saying all types of flimflam, hogwash, jibber jabber, AND (if you’re super attractive) gobbledygook, but if I nervously comment that I think a girl has a “very flattering elbow area,” I receive a sideways glance that suggests I'd better walk away unless I want a peach ice tea thrown in my face. I HATE you, handsome Van Wilder.
No, no I don’t. Please show me how to throw a perfect spiral, Van Wilder.
Who would you invite to your Fantasy Pop Culture Thanksgiving Table? Better dessert: Pumpkin or Apple pie? Better desert: Sahara or Gobi? Let us know who we missed in the comments!