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The 5 Poll Questions We REALLY Want to Answer

The 5 Poll Questions We REALLY Want to Answer

By Lisa Bernier

A recent article by NPR detailed a study by economist Justin Wolfers, who claimed that political pollsters were asking the wrong election questions. Ah, the age-old "For whom will you vote" vs. "Who do you think will win" argument. This got us thinking: what else are polls getting wrong? What vital subjects are they neglecting? We answered our own questions with a list of the top 5 poll questions we really want to answer (and yes, we are fully aware that that sentence used both the phrase "answered our own questions" as well as the phrase "questions we really want to answer." Now we've used them TWICE. This is quickly escalating into a catastrophic disaster. QUICK, TEAR YOUR EYES AWAY AND READ THE NEXT PARAGRAPH.)

1. Instead of "Are you a dog or cat person?": Are you a Sabertooth Tiger or Werewolf person?
Dog person, cat person, let's face it: they're often one and the same. Excepting those withallergies, if you like one furry animal, you'll probably like another, no matter whether they bark or meow. Clearly that milquetoast question tells you nothing about a person. You need to up the ante with animals that could tear you in half under 3 seconds. The claw of the Tiger or the bite of the Were? One is favored by ninjas. The other, by evil sorcerers. These are two very different personalities.

2. Instead of "If you won the lottery, what would you buy?": If you suddenly discovered a tiny universe (like, inside a marble or a bucket or something), how would you rule its people?

There are only two things people can do with money: spend it or save it. Kinda a boring question to ask, don't you think? But a question about free will—about suddenly being gifted God-like power and put in charge of millions of tiny minions whose tiny lives depend on you—that's something with innumerable options. Will you be an Evil Master? A Solemn Judge? The Great Recycler? A Nose? Endless possibilities.

3. Instead of "Will you buy the iPad Mini?": Did you laugh at the Mac Joke in Wall-E?

There was one. If you don't know it, watch the movie again. And again. And again. You will cry, you will laugh, and if you still don't know the joke by the end of the film, turn on a Mac laptop. And THEN: you will laugh again and wonder how you can finagle a job at Pixar.

4. Instead of "Do you think guys or girls are better drivers?": If Captain Kirk died and Spock was frozen in the core of Krios Prime , who would you choose to pilot The Starship Enterprise: Uhura, or Montgomery "Scotty" Scott?

The sadness! Both Chris Pine and Zachary Quinto dead/incapacitated! No time to mourn: make a decision! MAKE A DECISION! An entire ship's crew and the fate of a star system hinges on your answer!

5. Instead of "Who do you think will win this presidential race?": Would Katniss or Hermione be the better President?

No matter which one you choose, it just proves that 2016 is the Year of the Woman. Go Lady Prez!

How would you answer these 5 questions? We're especially curious about number 5.

Topics: Life
Tags: funny things, star trek, katniss, geeky things, hermione, wall-e, polls, winning the lottery

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