Some people take online personality quizzes to see if they're an introvert, extrovert, or good at flirting but bad at relationships. Other, more literary minded people, read a tome of prose and realize this is the soundtrack to their life, only wordier, longer, and with no music. Read on to see whether you are a American Naturalist chiller, or a 19th century Gothic mess—and we mean mess in the most awesome way possible.
1. If you... go by the code name "Little Miss Muffet." Are a leaf in the wind, the shadow in the alley, the kid who hides behind the door in hide in seek because they think, "I am invisible!" and everyone else thinks, "the door is ajar" and slams it into your face as they say, "FOUND!" Live in a trailer on the outskirts of town, have hidden sinks within toilets, keep sharp bladed throwing things in the flour jar, and travel to Russia often. Why? Because...the climate is good for your health. Of course. Wink, wink, behind your eye patch.
...You are Tinker Tailor Soldier Spy by John Le Carré.
2. If you... waltz your pain away with nearest mustachioed officer you can find. Have a predilection for enormous fur hats and long, sweeping skirts, and constantly rage, rage, rage against the machine of little old ladies and cranky old men who tell you to fan them and stay far away from handsome youngins who may or may not be engaged to your relative. Have a fascination with trains....BUT STAY FAR AWAY!
...You are Anna Karenina by Leo Tolstoy.
3. If you... are banned from your local library for specious reasons. Don't worry—you are a CLASSIC. And now you are CONTRABAND. Ergo, you are completely irresistible to handsome young rebels and beautiful avant garde artists. You are set for life....and life to you is but a lazy river filled with adventure, corncob pipes, and running around in overalls without shoes. What are shoes anyway but a metaphor for the torturous restrictions of a hypocritical civilized society? You are also fluent in speaking with ' .
...You are The Adventures of Huckleberry Finn by Mark Twain.
4. If you... are falling asleep, but it is only a half sleep, the state between dream and waking where dreams seem like waking and waking seem like dreams, which is when you were five and then there was a dog and the dog barked at you, and you ran into your mother's skirts but then she died and you stared at a spider weaving a web in the window after you came home from school, but your tooth stuck to the candy that Jean Louis had given you at recess and his sister Jeanette gave you her duck which you kept and broke, and she cried, and you felt warm about it, but then ashamed and then you wanted to take a nap where you dreamt about the time where [END OF VOLUME 1, 6 MORE TO GO]....
...You are À la recherche du temps perdu (In Search of Lost Time) by Marcel Proust.
5. If you... are NEVER without your towel. Are therefore set to explore the hijinks of the universe with British wit and little (ok, SOME) Panic. But you don't panic. Because your highly innaccurate guide tells you not to. Your best friend is the coolest, froshest, zonkiest alien in the entire cosmos, and you recently had to readjust your worldview because you just found out your entire planet is an experiment run by little white mice. Mice rule, dolphins have spaceships, humans drool: 42.
...You are A Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy by Douglas Adams.
6. If you...are an epic Greek poem and do not belong on this list. Granted, the novel wasn't invented when you were composed, but that's no excuse. Go back on your shelf and think about how you don't rhyme!
7. If you... There's this dame. She walked into your office. She had legs up to her neck and bottled blond. You offered her a smoke. She declined. You lit up and hid your face under a fedora. She spun you a tale full of lies and tears. But she's a dame. And you need the dough. You take the case. Women. You're a sucker, but you won't be a sucker for a skirt. They're pretty, and your intrepid girl secretary thinks they're all right, but then they try to shoot you with your revolver. Pass the scotch over the dead body. You solve the case. The dame goes to the clink. Just another day in the grimy city of this no good, rotten world.
...You are The Maltese Falcon by Dashiell Hammett.
8. If you...have prose is like running water, fluid and crystal and a beauteous gift to the English language. You don't need a plot. You don't need accurate punctuation. You exist, in thought and time, as loveliness does out of the mirror, and you are the center of a web of mad ex-soldiers and old lovers and rebellious daughters and their best friends who are in love. You step out one day to buy the flowers for the party yourself, and people see you at the top of steps as you descend into the light, and then—you don't have to make sense in this senseless world. For there you are.
...You are Mrs. Dalloway by Virginia Woolf.