You're stuck at home because a) everything is closed b) mass transit is down and c) the weather people have ordered you to stay indoors OR ELSE. Hyperbolic news coverage aside, you've watched all the seasons of Doctor Who ten times, you've replayed Star Wars so much you're starting to say Hans Solo's lines with him, and (gasp) even Fringe has lost its appeal. The time for quality programming has clearly passed. Therefore, here is a list of B, C, and D movies that can step in and save you from cleaning your bathroom.
1. Robin Hood: Prince of Thieves
What accent is Morgan Freeman doing? Why does Christian Slater interpret emotional turmoil as a constipated face? Who thought Robin Hood = Kevin Costner? It's better to leave all these questions behind and savor the Bryan Adams theme and questionable costume choices. Plus, this movie has Alan Rickman doing what Alan Rickman does best: being so evil you actually WANT him to win.
This movie is so cheesy, you have no other choice but to love it. We don't understand how the main character is immortal, and why everyone is trying to kill each other, but there's a sword and lightning stuff and the most uncoordinated climactic battle we've ever seen. If you ever have writer's block, YouTube a scene or two from this classic. It's mere gusto will push you into inspiration.
There's a magic boomerang, Liam Neeson gets a dramatic death scene, and, to quote Imdb.com, "a fortress of alien invaders." 'Nuff said.
4. Clash of the Titans
There's the original, starring Laurence Olivier and Harry Hamlin, and then there's the more recent one with that Avatar dude. Both are absolute gems, both pay absolutely no attention to what actually happens in Greek mythology, and they both HAVE A KRAKEN. A Kraken people. A Kraken.
There's Conair Nicholas Cage. There's National Treasure Nicholas Cage. And then there's Ghostrider Nick Cage. Is there a non-scary devil pact? Yes. Does his skull head look oddly out of proportion with the rest of his body? Yes. Does he walk around in a lot of leather? Of course. Now that you know one movie has all these things, how can you not watch???
The world is underwater. Kevin Costner is a guy with really long hair. There's a gang called "Smokers," not because they set things on fire, but because they use gas powered vehicles. Just watch it, and you'll understand what happened to Kevin Costner's career. (For further proof, also watch The Postman... actually, don't).
7. The Fast and the Furious
We left this movie worshipping at the altar of Vin Diesel and trying to figure out how we could hot rod a Ferrari and join his gang. Take this movie and then follow it up NOT with its sequels, but with xXx. Yes, there is a movie titled xXx. It too, is awesome.
8. The Expendables and The Expendables 2
Sometimes, action stars should retire and live off the profits of their heyday in the 80s/90s. Clearly, Sylvester Stallone, Arnold Schwarzenneger, Jean Claude Van Damme, and Dolph Lundgren are not those action stars. This is a movie with lots of explosions, little dialogue, and no plot. It's films like these that get you through the rough times. Who watches something like Citizen Kane when their head is about to explode from the pithiness of it all?
What is your favorite cabin fever movie?