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Your Hurricane Sandy Questions Answered

Your Hurricane Sandy Questions Answered

It's official. The entire northeast of the U.S. is wearing its pajamas right now and probably has several freezers full of pizza, Snackables and tater tots, according to the panic-strewn grocery store lines yesterday. One late soul was spotted traipsing through New York City this morning with an emergency last-minute pumpkin in his hands. What else must you know or do to be prepared for the tempest? We answer your FAQs:

Should I be sandbagging something?

Yes, corral all your pet rocks and rainbow sand creations somewhere safe away from windows. Speak in soothing tones to your chia head to put it at ease. Rake the sand in your zen garden into levies toward the southeast of the box and brace for impact.

What will I do without froyo for two days?

If you did not yet supplement your home reserves of frozen yoghurt, per New York City Mayor Michael Bloomberg’s “Go Bag” instructions, then you must face reality: there will be no froyo escapades for you for a couple of days. Perhaps your family has some inferior frozen dairy foodstuffs in the fridge, but do not expect these to give you a new lease on life. Instead, focus on writing an account of the “Great Froyo Shortage of 2012—Froyostorm.”

It’s romantic to kiss in the rain. Is it romantic to kiss in Category 1 Tropical Storm?

It was sexy in Match Point, The Notebook, Four Weddings and a Funeral, Dear John, Breakfast at Tiffanys, Spiderman, and Step Up 2, but is making out in gale force winds and knee-high sea foam hot? Rain has the tendency to cause your makeup to run, while a hurricane risks turning your eyelids inside out. Gentle, caressing winds can ruffle your hair as your S.O. gazes into your eyes, but a tropical storm system could make kissing you feel more like a ride through a carwash for your special peep. Also, you don’t want to risk being hit by a cow. Verdict: much more romantic to make out indoors.

What signs should I look for to know that the storm is worsening?

You should stay tuned to the radio and television for public service announcement updates. The following events comprise high-warning level signs:

  1. You end up snowed into the New York Public Library.
  2. Woody Harrelson is singing and dancing about the rapture.
  3. Ben Affleck is going to space.
  4. You enjoy an unusually large shrimp catch.
  5. There are snakes on the plane.
  6. Justin Bieber is throwing up.
  7. You come out of your bunker in 30 years time to find that no one rollerskates anymore.

How can I make use of the forced curfew?

Some people are going to put the time to good use writing college essays, affirming their loved ones, and learning to speak Mandarin. We at SparkLife will be using the time to a) learn how to make GIFs, b) GIFing everything in sight, c) amassing all the GIFs into a Tumblr, d) inventing the next dance crazy—we think the next big thing is "invisible dancing," where you stand behind a counter and do crazytown moves with your legs, while keeping your upper body still, or e) making up new acronyms, like, YTNYTOEACPFD, which stands for “Yo, the New York Times Officially Endorsed a Candidate: Pancakes for Dinner.”

Stay safe, Sparklers!

How are you waiting out Sandy?

Topics: Life
Tags: news, faqs, weather, hurricanes, hurricane sandy, storms

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About the Author
Janet Manley

Janet is the Sparkitor who most resembles a common field potato, and isn't opposed to pineapple appearing on a pizza. She is proof that dreams can come true, as long as your dream is to share a love seat with Benjamin Barnes for nine and a half minutes after standing him up for five because you can't work out hotel elevators. Janet once had a smexy dream where Haymitch Abernathy hugged her meaningfully, which I think means they are married now. She would like to third-person you on Twitter @janetmanley

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