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How to Become the President

How to Become the President

FROM: FantasyBookLover

How do I become the POTUS?

POTUS can mean a lot of things—Petter Of Thin, Unkempt Shrews; Passenger Of Twenty Ugly Sedans; Purveyer of Taffy, Unctions, Smiles; Pot-stirrer Of Truly Unappetizing Stews—but I will assume you mean President Of The United States.

Besides statistically being a white, Protestant, male millionaire, the one ability you must master is called word washing. Word washing is the practice of calculatedly making everything you say ambiguous, so much that though you may talk for a long time, in reality you’ve communicated nothing. Proper word washing requires you meet three criteria:

  1. Don’t use any specific, unbendable terms.
  2. Under the guise of caution, negate each opinion you express immediately after declaring it.
  3. Include an anecdote about a person you met once in Michigan who is struggling.

Try it around home and school, and you’ll be amazed how well it works!

“Honey, what do you want for dinner?”

“If you look at my record, whenever possible I’ve been a strong supporter of dinner; I eat it often, and it is one of my three favorite meals. Yet, we must recognize when not to eat dinner as well. There have been many times when dinner was not appropriate, such as during breakfast or lunch. I met a man named Gary who lives in Ann Arbor, Michigan; he’d been eating dinner his whole life. He works third shift in a plant that produces car seats, and his hours were cut this year. He invited me to his house; I met his beautiful wife and his twin girls. He asked me, ‘FantastyBookLover, what can I do about dinner?’ And I told him this: we have to let people eat dinner.”

“So … chicken?”

By the time you’re age-eligible to be POTUS you’ll be a master!

FROM: wallflower19

Reid, I just got a Tumblr. And though I hate to admit this, I have no idea what to do with it. Can you please sort of help me out?

I will gladly help you! But as you requested, I will only sort of help you. Here’s kind of my guide to the world of Tumblr, sort of!

First, go to the site. If you notice, there’s a tab there. Click on it. When something happens, be sure to click two, maybe even three more times. Not four. By now you’ve certainly noticed something. Don’t fret, this is normal, or perhaps: it’s not. Clicking is important, but also make sure the website is a website. Now we should address some things. I’m sure you’re wondering, “But Reid, isn’t this a question?” A lot of people worry about that, so let me tell you now: maybe. As for the thing, have you tried typing? Here’s a quick guide:

  1. This is the first item.
  2. This is the second item.
  3. The first item was two items ago.

Try posting—did you post yet? That’s a good way to do something, especially if what you wanted to do was something.

“But Reid, how many clicks?”

Probably all of them. After some typing, a couple more clicks, and of course, synergy, you should be good to tumblr.

FROM: AnneWasHere

I am one of the shortest girls in my grade and it's really bothering me. Is there anyway I can get over the shame of being short?

I, too, am a short person. I was often the shortest in my grade, and though I am no longer in grades, I still identify as a Short-American on the census. It’s hard to get over height-shame—size is almost always the first thing people notice about you, and they never seem to get tired of reminding you as if you had forgotten. If you’re like me, you’ve had many people offer to put you in their pockets, or carry you around; for some reason small people can also function as a fashion accessory for the strong and big-pocketed. In reality though there’s nothing wrong with being short, and you shouldn’t have to try to hide it or compensate in some way. The only real problem here is people, and they tend to be the problem with most things.

Thus, the only real solution to your shame is another, good ol’ fashioned plague. I’m not even saying that people need to die—that would be rather rude. What I am saying though, is that it’s hard to tell how tall people are when you’re laying down on your plague bed. The only problem: there aren’t any good plagues. Therefore, the onus is on you to create a new one. Just start mixing ingredients together, see what happens! Try tapioca, mayonnaise, and feta cheese. Is it a plague? No? Keep trying! You’ll get eventually, and if not, at least you got rid of all that mayonnaise.

That wraps it up for this week! If you have any questions that could use my particular style of advice, leave them in the comments and I’ll answer them next week.

Topics: Life
Tags: sparklers, advice, elections, bad advice, let me give you bad advice, reidfaylor gives you bad advice, the president

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About the Author

Reid Faylor is a stand-up comedian, cartoonist, writer, and whimsically bearded gentleman living in New York City. He owns a cat named Mr. President. You can follow his tumblr at

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