Worst Fictional Places to go Trick-Or-Treating
After a few years of begging for candy in the same, stale neighborhood on Halloween, you might be longing for a change.
You could hop in the car and head to a new location (we recommend hitting up the rich neighborhood), or you could nerd-out and try to find a way to go trick-or-treating in fictional, nerdy places. And then you’ll realize your beloved fictional locations would make for horrible trick-or-treating experiences. Consider yourself warned.
There are many problems with trick-or-treating at the famed wizarding school. First, it’s far. Even if you live in the UK, Hogwarts is located deep in some secret forest. Without the Hogwarts Express, you’ll need to hack your way through a monster-infested forest just to nab a Snickers. If you find the school, good luck hitting up any other houses in the neighborhood. Some of the shops and bars in town might give you candy, but don’t count on it. And the less said about Hagrid's Halloween offerings, the better. Second, there are wizards who still hate humans, so prepare yourself for practical jokes and/or being tortured to death. And third, while ‘Warts was exciting during the years of Harry Potter, now the school is no doubt a tremendous bore. Unless watching plants grow makes you scream with excitement, prepare to be underwhelmed.
What candy will you get: Wizard candy is known for being unusual. There’s a chance that even if you get some chocolatey goodness, you either won’t know how to eat it, or it’ll be alive and you’ll need to murder it with your own mouth.
Another out-of-the-way destination, getting to Santa’s North Pole headquarters isn't too difficult. First, stop believing in Santa. After that, a special train or sad elf will somehow enter your life and take you up North. Once there, you’ll need to spend the evening helping Santa save the holiday, or help some poor kid realize that friends are important, or help a reindeer, or do an assortment of labor-intensive duties. If TV specials and holiday movies are to be trusted, visiting Santa is never a leisurely activity. Who wants to spend their entire evening working?
What candy will you get: Candy canes are the obvious choice, but Kris Kringle might forgo the sweets completely and just give you a present such as a sweater or a baseball glove. Sell that on ebay and you’ll have candy cash for months.
Willy Wonka’s Factory
What could be better than visiting a magical candy factory on Halloween? Visiting any other location. Wonka’s manufacturing plant is rife with crazy, wacky foodstuffs, but in order to get your hands on any of it, your body will be tortured, mutilated, and modified. You could even die. Some lucky kids might make it out unscathed, but usually those kids are poor and tragic. Regular folk don’t stand a chance.
What candy will you get: For defying death and getting screamed at in the original movie, Charlie got his hands on a Gobstopper. One Gobstopper. That’s it. You can buy an entire box of Gobstoppers for, like, $1.50. Sure, Charlie also got the factory, but that’s a tax nightmare. Trust us, you don’t want that kind of paperwork mucking up your November.
Yay! The entire world is made of candy! What could possibly go wrong, besides: Ants, mold, bees, everything being sticky and germ-ridden, obesity, faulty sewer lines that dissolve too easily due to their sucrose construction, and thousand of dead dogs that ate the dark chocolate forest. What a lovely, little town!
What candy will you get: Diabetes.
It’s whimsical and magical, but far too regimented. Hell, they have their own Lollipop Guild. A town that mixes bureaucracy and snacks is a town that you don’t want to visit. Assuming a tornado drops you there on October 31st, you’ll most likely need to register with the Dept. of Halloween Activities and obtain a sugar license and door-knocking permit before grabbing your first bit of candy.
What candy will you get: Lollipops. And who wants lollipops on Halloween when you can have Twix?
What other fictional places should you avoid?