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News Flash! Everybody Knows Your Secrets

News Flash! Everybody Knows Your Secrets

By Melissa Albert

You know all the embarrassing secrets you've been hiding? Not the deep and dark kind, but the crappy little ones: Who you have a crush on. What you really cover in peanut butter and devour when you're alone. What's hidden beneath your mattress right now. We're about to tell aaaall (well, some) of your secrets...because we have the very same ones. In honor of Secrets Week, here are a few of the world's most universal, worst-kept secrets:

You are a sad online stalker. Have you ever lain awake in a cold sweat, wondering whether everyone but you knows about the Facebook technology allowing your ex to see just how many times you've clicked on the photos of him and his new girlfriend, Terrible Hot Sarah? We all wonder this! One day, everyone everywhere will get a pop-up alert whenever you Google image search them, so you better stalk it like it's hot while you still can.

You had an awkward phase. You know who else had an awkward phase? Ryan Seacrest. Blake Lively. Every single person who has ever written for this site (Chelsea Dagger's seemed particularly rough). Everyone. (Except Angelina Jolie. We're sorry.)

You've got a crush. Even your teacher knows you've got a crush. (Seriously. Your teacher always knows.) As if the staring and the giggling and the mortifyingly obvious body language weren't enough, the fact that you and your best friend scream, "THE WATER BUFFALO HAS LANDED" every time he enters a room is not exactly stealthy.

You have embarrassing and/or age-inappropriate interests. So you're 14 years old and love nothing more than watching Miss Marple solve crimes. Or you're 19, and you just discovered the wonders of early SpongeBob SquarePants. Everybody has a guilty pleasure—and we're not talking the charming, Zooey Deschanel kind (too many hand-knit berets!). We're talking about the "better hide my sexy Joe Biden collage before someone comes and arrests me" kind.

Roughly half the time, you have no idea what's going on. "Do my friends even like me?" "What did my crush mean when he said 'see ya'?" "Is this dress actually a long shirt?" These are the questions we ask ourselves every day. It's okay to have no idea what is even happening right now, because everyone else secretly feels the same way.

Do you have a worst-kept secret that pretty much everybody knows about?

Topics: Life
Tags: crushes, embarrassing things, secrets, secret crushes, funny things, secrets week, facebook stalkers, awkward phases

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About the Author
Melissa Albert

Melissa Albert reads books, worries about other people’s dogs (they look thirsty), and eats horrible candy for fun and profit. When not wearing her extremely tasteful Sparkitor hat, she’s an editor for the Barnes & Noble Book Blog. You can find her on Twitter @mimi_albert, or in the hot pretzel section of your local cafeteria.

Wanna contact a writer or editor? Email contribute@sparknotes.com.

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