DAN BERGSTEIN WORKS HERE NOW. HE IS LITERALLY SITTING RIGHT ACROSS FROM ME.
LOOK, THERE HE IS. THAT LARGE, NOBLE BROW. THOSE SOULFUL, BEADY EYES, SHINING WITH LOAMY BRILLIANCE. THE SCRAPPY BEARD, LIKE THAT OF A PULITZER-PRIZE WINNING LUMBERJACK'S. THAT HAT, OH, THAT SOMBRERO-ESQUE, OVERTLY FEMININE HAT.
If you're familiar with Dan, then I'm sure you've already fallen to the floor, weeping mouth-tears of joy and clutching an abhorrently-wrapped wooden duck your heart—but if you're not, allow me to give you the SparkNotes to the man, the myth, the legend: Dan "These Are The Worst Pancakes Ever"* Bergstein.
*"These Are The Worst Pancakes Ever" is an inside joke that was established only minutes ago when Dan Bergstein came to lunch with the Sparkitors. Just think, now we'll all be exchanging witty banter every single day! MY LIFE IS A DREAM!
The SparkNotes to Dan Bergstein:
- He is the creator of unbelievably hilarious Blogging Twilight, the most popular, successful, and longest-running series ever published on SparkLife
- He is the real, actual Harry Potter (but he doesn't like to brag about it, so please never, ever bring it up unless he initiates the conversation by giving you the secret handshake)
- He is the funniest man in existence (a fact that has been proven by my own exhaustive scientific research)
-He owns 2 baby wombats (both named Ham) and is the current possessor of all three Deathly Hallows
-He wrote this post, which inspired me to submit this post, which inspired Emily Winter to hire me as a freelancer and then later as a Sparkitor, which is why seeing Dan sitting across from me today is akin to being in the presence of, oh, say, Mufasa, or Steve Carell, or some other awe-inspiring personal hero who I've idolized for years.
BUT ENOUGH ABOUT ME. Here's what the other Sparkitors have to say about the Mighty Mighty Bergstein* joining the team:
Josh: "I'm sooo glad that there's another guy working here now! Makes it less awkward when I ask everyone if they want to go to the bathroom with me."
Emma: "It's like someone removed my heart and replaced it with a new heart made of sprinkles and glitter!"
Emily (she just had to one-up everyone by submitting three quotes):
"It's like getting mauled to death by a lion. A comedy lion."
"Having Dan Bergstein in the office has changed my life! For example, he already spilled Fanta on my favorite shirt."
"I LOVE DAN BERGSTEIN. DON'T TELL HIM I SAID THAT. UNLESS HE ASKS YOU IF IT WAS ME WHO SAID THAT, AND IN THAT CASE, JUST SHRUG AND WINK, OKAY?!"
*"The Mighty Mighty Bergstein is a terrible nickname, and I apologize for even putting the idea of it into your heads. We are currently taking nickname suggestions. The Sparkler to come up with the best Dan Bergstein nickname shall win the honor of having nicknamed Dan Bergstein, which is an honor greater even than that of being knighted, or walking on the face of the moon.
Hit up the comments to tell us how INSANELY EXCITED you are to have THE DAN "THE MAN" BERGSTEIN working here in our very own office, and to offer nickname suggestions, and to compliment Dan on how shapely and feminine he looks in his hat.