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Gift Ideas for the Guy Who Has Everything

Gift Ideas for the Guy Who Has Everything

By Josh Sorokach

Recently I attended the wedding of a close friend, and instead of giving the bride and groom a traditional wedding note, I bought them a “Happy Halloween" greeting card. I crossed off the word "Halloween" and wrote “Wedding,” and changed the word "Boo" to “Booyah! You’re married!” When it comes to greeting cards, birthdays, or Presidents' Day gifts, I’ve always gone with the "outside the box" approach. That happy couple has hundreds of wedding cards, but only one Halloween card from their kooky friend Josh. The point of this introduction is to let you know that someone invited me to their wedding. Here are some unique gifts for the guy who has everything.

Plausible Options

Coupon Book:

Creating a homemade coupon book is the perfect way to show that special someone in your life that you care about them, and that also, you’re poor. Imagination is the name of the coupon book game. Coupons for free hugs, house cleaning, and coffee all work, but don’t be afraid to have some fun with it. One coupon could be for one free human alarm clock. Just call your friend at 6 AM and start talking about the local traffic, or you can toggle yourself to radio mode. They groggily answer the phone to say hello and you’re all, “NEW YORRRRRRRRK. Concrete jungle where dreams are maaaaaade of!”

Shark Socks:

Wait, you don’t all own your own pair of shark socks? Shark WEAK.

Dragon Dog Hoodie:

Looking for a gift for the guy who has everything and you also hate? Look no further than the Dragon Dog Hoodie. This is a hoodie that makes your dog look like a dragon. One more time: a hoodie that makes your dog look like a dragon. This is a real product that people that live on this planet have spent money on. If someone bought this for me, my mouth would say thank you, but my brain would be thinking "Okay, at some point in my life this person is definitely going to try to murder me."

Slightly Less Plausible Options

Star in a Movie with Chad Michael Murray:

You shoot a documentary titled Bro Hang: Twelve Hours with Chad Michael Murray, in which the man People Magazine (should have) named “Coolest Dude of the Century,” Chad Michael Murray, treats your guy to a fun-filled day of merriment. Go-karts, batting cages, emotional turmoil, running lines from old One Tree Hill scripts, basically  THE BEST DAY EVER. Would C.M. Squared agree to be in your movie? I say yes. Your Honor, if it pleases the court, I’d like to present evidence A and B of CMM'S willingness to appear on screen.

Wood Bow Tie:

The Wood Bow Tie not only works as a fun fashion accessory, but it also makes a dynamite  human being repellent. That, my friends, is something I like to call a Twofer! You know what I rarely hear at dinner parties? “I’m going to go talk to that guy wearing that wooden bow tie. He seems fun.” There’s trying, there’s trying too hard, there’s about ten more stages, and then there’s the Wooden Bow Tie.

CD Player Shoes:

Seems to me that the inventor of the CD Player Sneaker loves the idea of the future, yet fails to comprehend even the most rudimentary elements of technology. This is the perfect gift for someone who:

1. Is writing a movie about a plucky inventor from the 90s who just woke up from an 18-year coma.

2. Hosts an unsuccessful "Prop comedy of the 90s" open mic night.

3. Literally owns everything else in the world.

Totally Implausible Options

Bulletproof Briefcase:

I’m not an accredited life coach, but if you ever hear yourself saying, “Hey honey, I bought you that bulletproof briefcase you wanted!” I suggest you stop, take a deep breath, calmly say you’re going to your car to retrieve an ice cream cake, open your car door, start your engine, and then drive to a little place I like to call GET THE HECK OUT OF THAT RELATIONSHIP!

DuckTales -Inspired Money Pit:

I’m not completely familiar with the ever-changing “Animated duck to human being” conversion equation, but if the television series DuckTales has taught me anything, it’s that optimum financial success is achieved when you theatrically flaunt your fortune by swimming around in a room filled with your own money.

Hot Tug:

If you’re trying to locate the perfect gift for the eccentric millionaire or classy, burgeoning super villain in your life, look no further than the Hot Tug. Probably created by a bored, rich person, the Hot Tug is the finest in gratuitous aquatic luxury. Should you pass on purchasing this fine, aquatic product because the website failed miserably by not advertising that “The Hot Tug is 50% hot tub, 50% boat, and 100% fun”? No. These people are geniuses of the sea; leave the professional writing to qualified experts like me.

Any more gift ideas for the guy who has everything? What activities would you include in your coupon book? "Shark Socks" would make a phenomenal computer password.

Topics: Life
Tags: guides, gifts, presents, funny things, tips, gift guides, gifts for guys

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About the Author
Josh Sorokach

Josh Sorokach is a comedy writer living in New York City. He's a former American Idol winner, three time Olympian, and habitual liar. Follow him on twitter @Joshsorokach.

Wanna contact a writer or editor? Email contribute@sparknotes.com.