This Is How The Casual Vacancy Should End
Well, done with Part Three and all it's uplifting domestic violence/sexual abuse depictions. I hate everyone. Here's how I want The Casual Vacancy to end:
- Obbo tries to sell Simon Price a counterfeit money printer, which turns out to be a counterfeit itself. The two get into a tussle and fall into the river where sharks and mermaids eat them.
- It turns out that Vikram Jawanda doesn't actually exist, but is a shared hallucination of Pagford's collective lust and hatred of unbroken domestic routines. Sukhvinder Jawanda was adopted, and her real father is also Fats Wall's real father. When Fats discovers this he gains 40 pounds in his grief and is mocked by Sukhvinder and friends for the rest of his adolescence.
- Gavin Hughes professes his love to Mary Fairbrother, and is denied. Even for a grieving widow, the dude's just too much of a bummer.
- Kay Bawden dumps Gavin, but not before stealing and pawning all his stuff. She sells it to keep the Methadone Clinic in business another month while she campaigns to become its new president. The Fields have never been cleaner, but still eventually get turned into a Best Buy.
- Krystal Weedon goes around Pagford door to door, punching everyone. She and Robbie and Gaia Bawden and Andrew Price all move to London and share a flat together, which becomes the subject of J.K. Rowling's spinoff story, The Casual Vacancy II: The Incompatible Residency
- Howard Mollison's rash intensifies until his entire body is a scaly red blob. He retires from local government and butchery and quietly lives out the rest of his days drinking bacon grease through a straw and writing meat-based erotica.
- Samantha Mollison sabotages her husband's Parish Council campaign by videotaping him saying that 47% of Pagford citizens feel entitled to free crumpets. Miles narrowly loses the election to Colin Wall, who mans up and stops with all the crying after becoming obsessed with and empowered by a daily regimen of Born This Way and "Gangnam Style."
- The Ghost of Barry Fairbrother moves to Hogwarts.
How do you think CasVac should end?
Tomorrow: Up to Part 4, chapter VIII (p. 380)