Every week, Reid Faylor responds to YOUR QUESTIONS with TERRIBLE ADVICE.
Now, Reid, I’m sure you’ve heard of “Gangnam Style” by Psy. It’s everywhere, and it’s been stuck in my head for WEEKS. How do I get the song out of my head? And how do I fight the urge to sing and dance to it wherever I go?
I’m amazed by how many questions I am asked that can be answered with the same phrase: a hammer to the head. However, while hammer-induced cranial pain is the most effective solution, it is the easy way out; my dedicated Reiders require a more imaginative answer. A hammer to the head has by now been played out, overdone, beaten to death, made hackneyed. You deserve more from me, and it is my duty as a Bad Advice Giver to provide you with such. Please take, instead, the following advice:
Have you tried hitting your head with a mallet?
Hey, Reid, when is the best time to wear a striped sweater? Is it all the time? Should I wear one with a collar—turtleneck? Is that the kind?
A hammer to the head.
In all sincerity though, the best time to wear a striped sweater is never. It may seem innocent, playful, and perhaps even fashionable and warm, but this is a road you do not wish to tread.
“Reid! You’re being so cryptic! What’s wrong with a simple striped sweater?”
It’s not the sweater that’s wrong; it’s what it leads to. You see, a striped sweater is what we call a gateway sweater. It’s fun, cool, and harmless, at least that’s how it begins. You wear some sweaters around, start to get comfortable, but after a while the stripes just don’t do it anymore. It’s not good enough—you need more. So you buy an argyle sweater; it’s more complicated, but what could go wrong? Everything! Two months later you’re in a plaid sweater checking your online sweater forums, a paisley sweater is in the mail, a checkered sweater in your closet, and you’ve turned to scouring thrift stores for sweaters with patterns so ugly they don’t even have a name. You keep getting all these magazines in the mail with more patterns and more sweaters, and your bank account is dwindling. You start forcing sweaters and vintage patterns into everyday conversations. “Hey cece_fredzilla, I’m having a party at my house, you should come!” “Did you say something about sweaters? Let me tell you about this great hound’s tooth sweater I’m getting online! It’ll blow your socks off—hey, you ever think about how socks are just feet-sweaters?” Your friends no longer know who you are; you don’t know either, and you’ve taken up knitting. Stop while you still can!
That being said—February.
Reid, is it possible to survive my junior year of high school? How do I do this?
It is indeed possible to survive junior year—I am living proof of this. You just need to follow my advice very carefully.
On the first day, you need to make an impression. Find the biggest, meanest-looking Russian you can, and in the full sight of everyone, knock him to the ground and kick him right in the nose. Hopefully the warden allows you to wear shoes; otherwise this will hurt a lot. This will get people to start talking.
Lunch is an important time to set you apart. While you may feel lonely, don’t sit with anyone, don’t say a word, and don’t eat any food. This way, your enemies will be forced to wonder, “Where does her power come from?” Sit motionless and stare straight ahead for the full 45 minutes.
When you’re finally led back to your cell that night, walk smooth, calm, but when they finally lock you in, scream the following declaration: “You may think you have caged the mighty Bone Breaker, but it is you who is caged with me! I swear on the blood of the ancients I will bring hell upon anyone who dare cross me! I. Am. The. Bone Breaker!” Then, in a dramatic flair to prove your namesake, break your own arm.
I may be mixing up “high school” with “Turkish prison.” Just maybe. But I think overall they have more overlap than you’d think, so this should work either way to guarantee no one will mess with you ever. Also: study hard.
That’s it for this week! If you have any questions requiring some good, perfectly logical and reasonable advice, leave your questions in the comments and I’ll answer them next week.