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October Horoscopes!

Aries (March 21 – April 19)

Perfection is nothing more than relentless practice, Aries, so go back to your relentlessness lessons, and soon you will be the best person in the world at not relenting. Be stoic this month, like Marcus Aurelius, who was that guy in Gladiator who died. Not that one, the other one. If you find yourself speaking too freely this month, bite your tongue, and then blurt out "Ouh, uh bit muh tongue," even if you are in the middle of a funeral. Your lucky made-up word of the month is knittercize, which means to criticize via needlecraft. Your lucky actual word is pronk, which means either "fool" or "jumpy thing that gazelles do," depending on whom you ask.

Topics: Life
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