How To Write A Secret Admirer Note
Ok, so you've got a crush. Here's what you should definitely NOT to do: write them a 20,000 word email in German via the aid of Google Translate at 3:32 AM after your 5th cup of coffee, and then hit Send. Here's what you SHOULD do: write them a secret admirer note and sneak it into their locker. This is a much saner option, and as an added bonus, it's totally something out of a hit 90s TV show. I could see Dawson doing this to Joey. Yes, I know, he didn't do this to Joey, which is prooobably why he lost her to Pacey. That and Pacey was played by the adorable Joshua Jackson. Oh, Fringe. What would I do without you??
Apologies for that strange non sequitur from 90's teen dramas to present day sci-fi TV ( I blame Joshua Jackson's acting versatility). Anyways, here's how to pen a secret admirer note that will both mystify and intriuge your crush.
1. DO NOT LEAVE YOUR ACTUAL NAME/INITIALS/THUMBPRINT. This may seem obvious, but unless you want to completely ruin the entire effect (or get served a restraining order), you must remain somewhat anonymous.
2. Sign it with an enigmatic nom de plume. Think "Your Spirit Animal, Bearclaw" or "Lady Eloisa D'Artemis." Yes, you can simply sign it as "Your Secret Admirer," but it's so much more awesome to sign it as "The Dance Commander of Your Heart," ya know?
3. Write a poem. A sonnet or a villanelle are recommended. Something like "your eyes are blue / i like you" is not. Please. At least try to use figurative language. It is a LOVE missive, after all (or at the very least, a "I really think you're hot" note).
4. A small gift would not be untoward. Perhaps a rose, or a favorite candy bar. Said gift should also be tasteful. No pictures of body parts, a la skeevy politicians, or ACTUAL body parts, a la Dexter.
5. Use an old-fashioned pen to get you in the mood. Let the beauty of your calligraphy reflect the loveliness of your blazon. The more curlicues and flicks you add, the more romantic it is. Don't cheat and put it in Old English font via Microsoft Word. (And definitely don't cut out newspaper/magazine letters and make a collage—who are you, the Unabomber Jr?).
6. That being said, make it legible. As my old English teacher used to say, it may be nice to write for yourself, but you are not your only audience. Granted, I used to reply, "maybe I AM my only audience"—but that inane response does not apply here.
7. Finally, deliver it with style. I'm not saying hire a marching band to meet them at the airport (oh Marshall and Lily, you guys make me a little sick with your coupley cuteness). A creamy Florentine envelope wouldn't go amiss. Or, put it in one of those dolls within a doll within a doll within a doll. OR, if you can time travel, get that suave ladies man Lord Byron to deliver it. Granted, this may backfire, as he could very well steal your love for himself with a well-timed couplet. Bright side: at least then you could say you got played by Lord Byron.
Have you ever written a secret admirer note? Got any pro tips for newbies?