Your mid-afternoon entertainment has just arrived, Sparklebutts, and I'm about to serve it up on a silver platter (actually, it's a block of wood that I've colored with a gray Sharpie to resemble a silver platter. We're not made of money over here). ENJOY:
While you finish chortling, allow me to enumerate the reasons I can't wait to see this movie:
1. It stars the hilarious Melissa McCarthy, everybody's favorite Bridesmaid and one of my many celebrity doppelgängers (who also include Danny Devito, my finger-gun brotha from another motha, and the little yellow peanut from Despicable Me)
2. Jason Bateman name-drops Bilbo like it ain't no thang, and y'all know I love me a good LOTR-related joke
3. The hip-hop heavy soundtrack will supply the perfect background beatz for my self-taught break-dancing seminar (sign up now, only an unlimited number of spots are left!)
4. Jason Bateman's character is from Denver! I'M from Denver! Our licenses match! THIS IS THRILLING TO NOBODY BUT ME!
5. I assume this film will be a step-by-step guide to successfully stealing someone's identity. By this time next year, I will be a vastly-sweatier Harry Potter. LOOK OUT, HOGWARTS. I'M 'BOUT TO SPEND SOME GALLEONS UP IN HERE.
What do you think of the Identity Thief trailer? Are you totally humming "I'm an Outlaw" to yourself now as you go about your badass daily tasks, like organizing your Spanish vocab notecards and Googling "the hot guy in One Direction"?