Whether you brought it from home in a paper bag marked with a big "XO Mom" or got it in the lunch line like the rest of the schlubs, your school lunch is fraught with hidden meaning and unintentional signals. A poorly planned lunch can ruin your day or your reputation. There are some things you're just gonna want to keep these away from your tray:
- For the most part, lunch boxes are now considered retro and cool. Except for this one. This one is never cool, unless it's Opposite Day during Pep Week at Irony High School in Japan.
- Anything with your mother's lipstick kisses on it. Heartwarming in second grade. Deadly in tenth.
- Beans. You know what beans scream? They scream "Guess who's gonna have gas in third block!"
- Bologna. I had to Google this lunch meat twice to figure out how to spell it. (Baloney? Boloney? Bologne?) Not a good sign for something you intend to put in your body.
- Prunes. They're probably sitting there right next to your dentures. Which brings us to...
- Your retainer. That's how you end up sifting through the garbage bins outside the cafeteria after school. Also, appetizing for no one to see the saliva-coated mold of the top of your mouth as they're trying to choke down a Steak-umm. Which brings us to...
- Steak-umms. I was mocked mercilessly for my fondness of these meat-like cafeteria staples.
- Baby corn. There's just something vaguely creepy about this miniature vegetable. Unless you intend to eat it like this.
- Brussels sprouts. While properly prepared, they can be delicious; when they're served by this lady, they tend to smell like feet.
- Raw hotdogs. I had a friend in college who used to eat them straight out of the package. I guess technically they are pre-cooked, but it was still enough to trigger my gag reflex.
- Mello Yello. For some reason, the kids who got this from the soda machine at my school were always kind of... off. Better to go with the safer Sprite.
- Egg salad sandwich on pumpernickel. Gross.
- Ham salad on rye. Grosser.
- Olive loaf on potato bread. What are you? A communist?
- Human hair. Okay, any hair, really.
What's the most embarrassing thing your mom ever packed you for lunch as a kid?