Let Me Give You Bad Advice: Tongue Origami
I really like the smell of perfume, I wish it was flavored. If I drank an entire bottle and wished really really hard, would it taste yummy-riffic? Also, would it make my breath smell good?
Of course if you wished really hard the perfume would taste good, but to me that seems like a terrible waste of a wish. “Are you sure you don’t want world peace or money or something?” “No way, magic genie! Just let me drink all this perrrfffummmmee.” I think there are better ways around this than wish-wasting.
Think about how so many people drink coffee. Does coffee taste good? Absolutely not! (Don’t even try to deny me! No one has ever liked coffee on the first try.) But here’s the secret: with enough time, you can learn to appreciate anything. Perfume may at first taste like bitter and burning, but if you drink it enough, day after day, you’ll pick up on the subtleties. The harsh burn of the ethyl alcohol is overwhelming at first, but you’ll learn to pick out the notes of patchouli, sandalwood, bergamot, and oak moss. “Is this hexenyl cis 3 salicylate in here? Oh how cheeky!” All you need is some dedication, and in no longer than a few months of daily, expensive perfume drinking, you’ll have no other choice but to like it. As for the breath though, since it is all alcohol-based, you will smell like a boozy uncle, but your lips will probably smell fantastic.
I have a 45 minute drive to my college and a 45 minute drive back, every weekday. It is painfully boring. How can I make this 1 1/2 hour black hole of time into some form of being constructive with my time.
You are in a pickle. Your hands should be occupied with driving, as should your eyes and feet. In fact, most of your body should be invested in the driving, which leaves little else to use for enrichment. Except, that is, for one body part: the tongue. With only your tongue to occupy your time, your best option is to practice tongue origami. This is like normal origami, except you exclusively use your tongue. You still make pretty shapes, but with the added bonus of gaining amazing makeout skills. “Hey, did you just put a sailboat in my mouth!?” “No way (wink)! How is that even possible (wink)?” Here’s a quick guide on how to make a cat:
I need some relationship advice. My boyfriend is the seeker for the Irish Quidditch team and I am the chaser for the rival team, the Holyhead Harpies. Our teams our playing this Saturday and the thing is, he doesn't know I play Quidditch. How can I tell him without ruining our relationship forever?
First off, I’m very impressed you’ve been dating this fellow for a while now and this has somehow never come up. I mean, you play for his fiercest rival—I know you’re supposed to maintain your own personal lives in a relationship, but this seems excessive. Regardless, here is what you do:
On the day of the game, don a mask, not a scary one, but generally enticing. Don’t explain it to anyone; don’t let anyone know it’s you. When it comes time to play, everyone will be talking about the Masked Chaser. Who is she? No one knows! Then, once the game starts, play amazingly. Score point after point, dodge Bludgers like a pro, and outmaneuver all the other players. Your boyfriend will be all, “Who is this chaser? There’s something … enticing about her!” Cut to the end of the match: just as your boyfriend is about to catch the snitch, speed your broom in front of his path and collide. The snitch will whiz away, and in order to stay on his broom he’ll have to grab onto you for support. “Why did you do that!?” he’ll shout. “I almost caught the snitch!” That’s when you say, “Because you just caught something better,” and rip off your mask. He and everyone in the stands will gasp—it was his girlfriend the whole time! “I also play Quidditch,” you’ll say, “you better be cool with that.” Then kiss him real hard on the face-parts; all the crowd will start to hoot and holler. The announcer will cry, “No one caught the snitch, but we just caught something better: true love!” Then they’ll award just the two of you over 400 love points, the first time such a thing has ever happened. Both teams will lose, but you, as a couple, will win the match. If you can, this is probably the best way to handle it.
That’s it for this week! If you have any quandaries that need my impressive advising skills, leave your question in the comments and I’ll answer it next week!