The REAL Winners and Losers of the 2012 VMAs
While viewers across the nation waited for president Barack Obama to throw down and accept the Democratic nomination for president, another sort of national convention was going on in Los Angeles. America's youth culture delegates gathered in a united front of laser cobras and crotch shots at MTV's Video Music Awards, an annual coalition where the famous get famous-er and the British heartthrobs get tweeted a billion slobbery kisses.
If you were watching the DNC like an "adult" or finishing up a sweaty night at Quidditch Club, here's a recap of all the night's real Winners, Losers, and in-betweeners at the 2012 VMAs:
WIN: Snuggie Guy!
A few short months ago Ton Do-Nguyen was wearing a Snuggie and dancing to "Countdown" in his kitchen. Now he's wearing a Snuggie and talking about dancing to "Countdown" on the VMA red carpet. Is this what a 21st century Cinderella story looks like?
Update: Sources tell us that, at midnight, Do-Nguyen's awards Snuggie magically metamorphosed into a tapestry of mice and scurried into the night.
LOSS: Justin Bieber
Used to be Biebs couldn't even think about going outside without a horde of crazed tweens crashing in through his windows and slobbering all over his buzzcut like a league of makeout zombies. Last night: One nomination, no wins, and nary a snogging in sight. There is a cure for Bieber Fever, after all. And it's called...
WIN: One Direction
This Brit-Irish pentangle of boy sauce took home the spaceman trophies for Most Share-Worthy Video, Best New Artist, Best Pop Video, AND performed a straightforward boy band concert of "One Thing" to a chorus of screamin' females.
Loss: Kristen Stewart
K-Stew, who was pretty much the mascot of MTV's Movie Awards gig a few months ago, did not show up to present the super exclusive Twilight: Breaking Bad part Whatever preview with R-Pat and the rest of her cast mates, nor was she any sort of presence at all. Apparently there's still some bad blood between these young vamps.
WIN: Rashida Jones and Andy Samberg
Not only did Celeste and Jess Forever co-stars Rash&And look hipster fabulous in their big 'ol glasses and plaid getups, but also their "honesty is the new edgy" banter earned more organic laughs-per-second than anything host Kevin Hart said or did. I think we know who next year's emcees should be. On the flip side…
LOSS: Kevin Hart
Hey, we get that hosting a massively televised pop culture circus ain't easy work, and granted, comedian Kev's stage banter had more charisma than, say, James Franco in a dress at the Oscars. But what was the deal with that rambling, punchline-free "Frank Ocean is gay" bit in the beginning? What, in the name of Tyrion Lannister's snowball-pale buttcheek, was the deal with Kev's dwarf security entourage before that? Nobody's life should be reduced to the butt of a lazy Kevin Hart joke. But, speaking of which…
This year's award performers truly illustrated the diversity of the butt! Pink dangled hers jiggledy-piggledy from a trapeze above the audience, Weezy adorned his in fluorescent cheetah barf, and, thanks to a lil assistance from Wayne's skateboard, 2Chainz took a minute to moonwalk on his. Truly, a landmark night for the Butt Lobby (or, colloquially, Big Butt).
WIN: Frank Ocean
More than any current pop star, Odd Future graduate Frank Ocean has taken all the right moves to brand himself as the tender, sensitive loner—and his quiet prairie bonfire thing last night was no exception. Frank melted hearts and tweet-goo with his delicate, falsetto-tempered performance of "Thinkin Bout You," and he did it all without the flash and pomp of the glitter-puking, butt-trapeze-oriented sets before him. Nicely done, Brocean. ((BTW, you can still stream his entire excellent album here))
WIN & LOSS: Drake
Even though Drizzy took home the award for Best Rap Video, we can't help but question his future posture in the pop game. When Drake released Take Care last year, he was "the sensitive guy." Well, now that Frank Ocean is the new "sensitive guy," what's that make Drake? The "Canadian guy?"
Update: Okay, according to MTV.com, Drake's video "shakes off his inquisitive haters with some serious synagogue swag." Aha! So now he's the "Jewish guy." Sorry, Matisyahu.
WIN: Taylor Swift
From the second the 2009 VMAs ended to the second before Taylor Swift entered the building last night, press peeps and forum dwellers alike have been egging TayTay with the same hypothetical reality: "Hey, remember how Kanye interrupted you? It'd suck if that happened again." Yep. Well, it didn't happen again, and this time around, three years after she earned a rep as the fresh-faced new girl copping sympathy hugs from Beyonce, T-Swift closed the freakin' show (or "Opened for Obama," as we dramatically like to think of it) with her self-proclaimed Monster Hit "We Are Never Ever Getting Back Together." Was this screw-you-hater anthem a symbolic fart cast in Kanye's general direction? Who knows. But, mmmm, symbolic farts seldom smell so sweet.
LOSS: Kanye West
Where was Yeezy last night? Pacing his bedroom, feverishly, draped in nothing but a red Taylor Swift dress, muttering "I'ma let you finish" over and over to a pile of broken TV sets? Cuz that'd be weird.
WIN: Katy Perry, Rihanna, you, me, and the whole world
Because there is now a .gif of Katy nuzzling up on RiRi's neck during a One Direction performance, and we are going to spend the rest of human history watching it.
The "real" Winners are all listed here. Props to M.I.A. and "Bad Girls" for winning all the technical awards that would normally guarantee her an Oscar.