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People You Must Date (So You Know Who Not to Date)

People You Must Date (So You Know Who Not to Date)

By Chrissie Gruebel

You know what? This list isn't even people-specific. If you happen to be all a'twitter over a vampire, Klingon, or ghost—it can apply. Think about how many anecdotes you'll get from that alone! Remember: bad dates = great stories.

The Collector: He has samaurai swords hidden all over the place? It's creepy at first. Then, once you realize he doesn't want to murder you, it becomes kind of interesting. After that, hilarity ensues because really, we don't live in feudal Japan… how many swords does one guy need?

The Hater: We all know where haters can go—so how do they hook us?! (And by "us," I mean me). Let's discuss.
Hating looks suspiciously like confidence and honesty if you don't look too closely. And you'll spend a few minutes being flattered that they like YOU because everyone's a little bit vain! "You hate most girls, but you think I'm cool?! I must be bionic," is what you'll say to yourself—for one.hot.second. But then you start getting all nervous because you realize the minute you tell him you listened to "We Are Never Ever Ever Getting Back Together" like five billion times that day, he's going to be judging you and all your choices like a vegan at a slaughterhouse employee BBQ.
At the end of this ABC Family drama, you remember that you don't care what he thinks of you! Drop that T-Swift bomb and just watch him watch you not care what he thinks. And then go to a corner of the room where fun has not gone to die and the boy will come a'runnin.

The Slacker: I don't know much, but I do know this: the least-productive person in your group project…will be the least-productive person in your relationship.

The Social Networker: You don't even have to go anywhere—the online repartee is enough of a story.
Today: Aw, she posted a hilarious link on your FB wall from that time you talked about Tim & Eric! But she still hasn't texted you back from a couple days ago … the one with the, "hey, what time did you say you wanted to meet up for the party?" Whatever, guess she's busy.
Tomorrow: She re-tweeted your tweet! I guess she thinks you're pretty funny. Still don't know what time you're meeting for the party in question, but ok.
The Next Day: Um, hello re-blogs! She's used 5 out of your last 7 posts on the Tumblrs. This is cute and all but WTH time are your meeting up? Have you locked that down yet? You should text again, this is just rude.
The Ensuing Week: You get another 2 links on your FB wall, three retweets and a favorite, plus she's stopped putting content on her blog and just keeps reposting your shiz. Still no text. Go to the party solo. Dance like a maniac. Enjoy your real, offline life.

The Quote Guy: He think he's so inspirational that he quotes himself loudly and often. Or worse, he tries to pass movie quotes off as his own (which is the ultimate betrayal). Or even worse to the ninth power, he delivers platitudes as though he thinks you've never heard them before. If his Facebook info page says, "No pain, no gain.— Me" OR if he ever utters the phrase, "I work hard and I play hard," date him once for the story. Then, throw down a smoke bomb and get out.

The Picture Taker: And speaking of Facebook… when it comes to Facebook profile pictures, how much is too much? I like to think we all have a little internal alarm that goes off when we see profile pic after profile pic—just her face over and over again, looking straight into the camera. No friends? No group shots? Nothing…but…her face? Nobody, save for MAYBE Channing Tatum, needs that many pictures of themselves on the Internet. And if it doesn't stop there—as in, there's a snap of every plate of food she's ever eaten and her feet on every beach/street/strip of hot coals she's ever walked on—think of all the work you'll have to do when you break up. Go out once, and you'll be tagged as a plate of risotto by dawn.

The Over-Toucher: There's a way to let someone know you're interested and there's a way to make everyone around you wish you were never born. Lightly touching his arm while he talks to you? Nice. Coming up behind her and putting both your arms around her neck? Freaks some people out. As does: picking another person up, covering their eyes to "surprise them" when they're alone, grabbing their hand so they can't walk away from you … you know what? Maybe don't touch at all until you know the person's boundaries? Let's go with that.

The Fashion Guy: The guy whose shirt has more accoutrement (rhinestuds, screen printing, tiger faces, splatter paint, zippers, epaulets, pockets, laser beams, cherubs, etc.) on it than your whole wardrobe? He will always think he's better looking than you. And he's probably gonna judge what you're wearing. Know that going in.

The Fighter: If she's the first person to turn a verbal argument into Fight Club, it's gonna get so old, so fast. Introduce her to an Over-Toucher and they can take their inappropriately physical selves somewhere else.

Lastly, anyone who use the terms "milf" or "cougar" or "cankles." Let's be done with those words.

Have you dated anyone on this list? Do you have a great story to share?

Topics: Life
Tags: relationships, flirting, dating, crushes, funny things, bad dates, sos

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About the Author
Chrissie Gruebel

Chrissie Gruebel is a bunch of things separated by commas, but more often than not, she’s a writer, comedian, and wearer of too many colors at once. Here she is on Twitter: @chrissiegruebel.

Wanna contact a writer or editor? Email contribute@sparknotes.com.