Back in my hometown, our high school classes lasted 44 minutes each. If the average school year is nine months long, excluding weekends and holidays, that adds up to approximately… probably a lot. I'm not good at math. Or the game Battleship. Anyway, here’s a list of five teachers you may encounter this year.
According to the Back To School Trend Report, "big fat knitwear" is in, which is why I just bought 17 pairs of chunky wool pants. Another hot back-to-school trend? Mentors. The ideal mentor is inspirational, wise, and has a phenomenal head of hair—which is why I chose Captain Jack Sparrow as my mentor. Unfortunately, he never texted me back; perhaps because I wasn't fully ready for a mentor, or perhaps because he's a fictional pirate. There's really no way to know for sure.
Like that famous song that’s yet to be written says, “Boring People Be Boring, Yo.” It’s not their fault. I'm sure they possess many affable qualities too, like acute Sudoku acumen or constructing large ships in tiny bottles—everybody's got their something. When you inevitably fall asleep during one of Yawn McSnoozes long-winded lectures about magnets or pigeons, please dream of a life where something called “Taylor Swift Tater Tot Tuesdays” exists in your local cafeteria.
The Old Guy with That Mustache:
Look, let's get one thing straight. I'm not saying every old guy who has a mustache looks like a walrus. Then again:
If you toss some glasses on that bad boy and he starts talking about The Spanish Inquisition, you've got a dead ringer for your history teacher.
The hypothetical love child of a less endearing Garfield and one of those “eye rolling emoticons," the Grump is feared throughout your school (rumor has it he once Darth Vader-ed a kid. Classic Grump). Many parents proudly showcase a bumper sticker announcing to the world that their child’s an honor student; the Grump’s bumper sticker simply says “My other car is a shut up.” You do not speak out of turn in the Grump's class. And you do not interrupt the Grump. Also, you never, ever, under any circumstances, tickle the Grump before he's had his second cup of coffee.
The Quirky Teacher (Aka The Former Actor):
You’re never quite sure what you’re going to get with the quirky teacher; one minute they’re the cool teacher who lets you call them by their first name, the next minute they’re forcing you to write a 10-page essay comparing The Great Gatsby to "Call Me Maybe." Even though they’re always one bad Olive Garden blind date away from a complete mental breakdown, there are definitely perks, like their habit of using they candy as an incentive. Learn the state capital of Idaho? No thank you. Learn the state capital of Idaho for a miniature York Peppermint Pattie? You got yourself a deal, crazy-face.
What kind of teachers do you have this year? Which teacher did we miss? What's a great name for a pet walrus? Clyde? Professor Button? The Duke?